Local Woman Supports Toilet Paper Public School Ban

Tireless digestive health campaigner, Jennifer Simmons-Adler, spoke today with reporters regarding her controversial proposal to eliminate toilet paper from public schools in her district.

Ms. Simmons-Adler’s stated goal is “to not deprive the children of toilet paper. Not at all. I want to eliminate toilet paper as a way to better enable them to choose a diet that will eliminate the need for toilet paper.”

Disbelieving reporters pressed Ms. Simmons-Adler for more information about her overall plan to remove toilet paper from public schools.

Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “Any child who doesn’t ‘poop clean’ obviously is in desperate need of a dietitian. I am appalled that parents don’t monitor their children’s poop. No human should ever need toilet paper. Any person who eats the proper amount of fiber from grains and organic fruits and vegetable knows this. Parents who have children who need toilet paper disgust me. If they aren’t going to properly feed their children then they should be prosecuted for neglect. It’s abuse, pure and simple. Parents like that are no better than those parents who allow their children to watch television for more than 30 minutes a week.”

When asked whether or not children not being allowed to wipe their asses would pose a health problem, Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “Having children who consistently have watery or sticky bowel movements is a much bigger health problem. It’s an epidemic and I am astounded that the media hasn’t been covering this issue. Going toilet paper free is not only good for the children, but eliminating the need for toilet paper helps the environment as well. We must save the trees. I understand that people are going to be resistant at first and I’m sure that in the beginning the schools will have to endure the smell of WOA.”

When asked to define WOA, Ms. Simmons-Adler looked uncomfortable and said, “I don’t really like saying the ‘a’ word.” Simmons-Adler stopped a moment and displayed a smug face. She continued by saying, “WOA stands for ‘wide open ass’. WOA is actually a useful tool. WOA will allow school personnel to quickly identify those children in need just by smell. With a proper diet, that will clear up quickly. And people should consider the cost savings benefit. We’ve saved enough money by not paying toilet paper to be able to afford apples and quinoa from the organic grocery store for an entire three weeks.”

After pausing to nibble on celery, Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “I haven’t used a single square of toilet paper in over 10 years. Personally, I’m stunned that they still advertise toilet paper on television. How can they justify banning cigarette ads and still allow ads showing cute little teddy bears selling a product that promotes a lifestyle which is killing our children by the score?”

When queried about her campaign’s progress, Ms. Simmons-Adler frowned and said, “Not as smoothly as I hoped. You know, you see your vision and it’s solid, yet fluid, and then when you try to implement it, then your vision gets foamy and splatters out of control. But I am committed to this cause. I will be number one. Number two is not acceptable.”

Local PTA head Sondra Wellington, when asked her thoughts of Simmons-Adler’s campaign to rid the schools of the toilet paper scourge, said, “Bitch is straight up crazy. She keeps showing up at our meetings and throwing rolls of toilet paper and screaming about clean poop and how we’re all child abusers. We have tried to start a dialogue with her, but quite frankly, it gets nowhere. She’s missing a few Ohs from her Spaghettios if you get what I’m saying.”

Knitters Versus Crocheters: Can There Be Peace?

Violence broke out today at a library in a suburb of Cincinnati, Ohio.

A room in the library used for holding club meetings was mistakenly booked for both the knitting club and the crocheting club at 7:00 pm on Tuesday.

Gladys Blount, president of the local chapter of ‘Knit or Die’ approached Selma Brockman of the ‘Crochet Rockets’ and told her to pack her skeins up and take off.

An eye witness claims that Selma didn’t bat an eye before shoving a 10mm crochet hook through Gladys’s quilted knitting bag, spilling the contents and ripping through the bag.

“Gladys had no choice but to jab Selma in the leg with her knitting needle. It was self defense,” said an unnamed bystander.

Violence seemed inevitable. Mary Jo Truax, an avid knitter, whipped out her shears and brandished them. “You don’t understand. This is my time. MY TIME. This is the only night I don’t have to help with homework that I don’t fucking understand. This is the only time that my husband has to make dinner. This is the only place I go EVER where no one calls me mommy. I will die before I give this up.”

Edna Pennington, head librarian, called the authorities and was able to defuse the situation before the authorities arrived. “I wear cat eye glasses, so everyone knows that makes me the meanest bitch here. I just told them that someone was going to lose an eye and they calmed down. I don’t mess around, yo.”

Officer Cuff was the first to arrive at the scene. “I’m not going to lie, I’ve been on the force for over 10 years and I did not feel good about this situation. The two groups of women seemed to be calm, but you could feel the tension in the air. One sarcastic remark about discount yarn and we would have been on our way to a full scale riot. People worry about gang violence. They just don’t consider these groups dangerous. They’d be terrified if they understood how brutal these women can be. If it were up to me, I would disband these clubs.”

He went on to ask his last remark be removed for fear over his personal safety.

We laughed and said ‘no’.

Edna Pennington offered to negotiate the safe departure of both groups. When asked why the women didn’t share the room, Edna had this to say: “Share the room? Are you insane? We will have peace in the Middle East before crocheters and knitters can occupy the same space.”

A brief squabble broke out between knitter Pamela Drisdale and crocheter Tilda McSwell. McSwell accused Drisdale of sneaking one of her snickerdoodles. Drisdale responded harshly, intimating that she would never eat baked goods made by hands that touch crochet hooks. Drisdale then brushed the crumbs from her old lady cleavage and walked away. McSwell told reporters, “I always bring two baker’s dozens of snickerdoodles. My snickerdoodles are always in demand. I saw that Drisdale women hovering around the cookie table and when I counted, there were only 25 cookies. Those knitter’s are savages who don’t understand that one doesn’t eat until snack time.”

Tensions began running high as the ‘cookie drama’ circulated through the two groups. Fortunately, Edna Pennington once again calmed the angry mob. “Ladies, The Macrame Marauders are due any minute now. Is this really a fight you want to continue?”

The two groups eyed each other up and down for a moment before grabbing their snacks and craft supply bags and hurrying out of the building amidst comments of “Fuck that, I’m out of here” and “Those macrame bitches are crazy.”

Edna Pennington crossed her arms and looked down her nose at the women as they retreated from the building. She sighed and told reporters, “No one appreciates the delicate negotiations I conduct on a weekly basis here. Knitters and crocheters are punk compared to those gluten free moms and the vegan shell painters.”

An ongoing investigation is underway to determine how the scheduling error happened in the first place. Until then, Edna Pennington says she will continue to ensure there is peace in the library.