Tireless digestive health campaigner, Jennifer Simmons-Adler, spoke today with reporters regarding her controversial proposal to eliminate toilet paper from public schools in her district.
Ms. Simmons-Adler’s stated goal is “to not deprive the children of toilet paper. Not at all. I want to eliminate toilet paper as a way to better enable them to choose a diet that will eliminate the need for toilet paper.”
Disbelieving reporters pressed Ms. Simmons-Adler for more information about her overall plan to remove toilet paper from public schools.
Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “Any child who doesn’t ‘poop clean’ obviously is in desperate need of a dietitian. I am appalled that parents don’t monitor their children’s poop. No human should ever need toilet paper. Any person who eats the proper amount of fiber from grains and organic fruits and vegetable knows this. Parents who have children who need toilet paper disgust me. If they aren’t going to properly feed their children then they should be prosecuted for neglect. It’s abuse, pure and simple. Parents like that are no better than those parents who allow their children to watch television for more than 30 minutes a week.”
When asked whether or not children not being allowed to wipe their asses would pose a health problem, Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “Having children who consistently have watery or sticky bowel movements is a much bigger health problem. It’s an epidemic and I am astounded that the media hasn’t been covering this issue. Going toilet paper free is not only good for the children, but eliminating the need for toilet paper helps the environment as well. We must save the trees. I understand that people are going to be resistant at first and I’m sure that in the beginning the schools will have to endure the smell of WOA.”
When asked to define WOA, Ms. Simmons-Adler looked uncomfortable and said, “I don’t really like saying the ‘a’ word.” Simmons-Adler stopped a moment and displayed a smug face. She continued by saying, “WOA stands for ‘wide open ass’. WOA is actually a useful tool. WOA will allow school personnel to quickly identify those children in need just by smell. With a proper diet, that will clear up quickly. And people should consider the cost savings benefit. We’ve saved enough money by not paying toilet paper to be able to afford apples and quinoa from the organic grocery store for an entire three weeks.”
After pausing to nibble on celery, Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “I haven’t used a single square of toilet paper in over 10 years. Personally, I’m stunned that they still advertise toilet paper on television. How can they justify banning cigarette ads and still allow ads showing cute little teddy bears selling a product that promotes a lifestyle which is killing our children by the score?”
When queried about her campaign’s progress, Ms. Simmons-Adler frowned and said, “Not as smoothly as I hoped. You know, you see your vision and it’s solid, yet fluid, and then when you try to implement it, then your vision gets foamy and splatters out of control. But I am committed to this cause. I will be number one. Number two is not acceptable.”
Local PTA head Sondra Wellington, when asked her thoughts of Simmons-Adler’s campaign to rid the schools of the toilet paper scourge, said, “Bitch is straight up crazy. She keeps showing up at our meetings and throwing rolls of toilet paper and screaming about clean poop and how we’re all child abusers. We have tried to start a dialogue with her, but quite frankly, it gets nowhere. She’s missing a few Ohs from her Spaghettios if you get what I’m saying.”