Pumpkin Spice Personal Lubricant to Debut This Fall

Personal lubricant manufacturer EZGlide announced yesterday that a new pumpkin-oriented product will appear in stores this October.

Spicy Pumpkin personal lubricant will deliver the quality lubrication consumers have come to expect. “As always,” says a spokesperson for EZGlide, “it’s water-based, water-soluble, and condom-compatible, but with the subtle taste and smell of America’s favorite gourd.”

EZGlide reports that with each successive autumn, the company has been feeling pressure to meet the demands of an ever-growing pumpkin-obsessed public. “Those women buying pumpkin lattes, pumpkin muffin mix, pumpkin candles, and pumpkin body lotion need lube just like everyone else,” said a member of the company’s marketing team. “When fall hits, we want that part of our consumer base to think, ‘The weather’s getting colder; what I really need right now is a pumpkin-flavored cock.’”

While EZGlide doesn’t expect Spicy Pumpkin personal lubricant to do well with its male demographic, the company plans to rely on an inherently female weakness for pumpkin products coupled with an inherently male weakness for going along with anything that will get them laid.

Spicy Pumpkin Warming Liquid is slated to appear in fall 2016.

Mom Caught Dealing on School Grounds

Tuesday afternoon in Millburn, New Jersey, 42-year-old Margot Schaeffer was caught dealing “unsavory” items outside the Glenwood Elementary School playground. She was found to be selling teeth to young children who were reportedly going to put them under their pillows in an effort to defraud the Tooth Fairy.  We were unable to reach the Tooth Fairy for comment.

“I just wanted some extra cash!” Margot defended–against the advice of her lawyer. “Word in the mom’s group was that they were putting out $10 and $20 for teeth these days! TWENTY DOLLARS!!

I put fifty cents under my kids pillows! Anyway, I figured if those little shits were getting $20 a pop, they’d easily cough up $5 or more for one.”

Her plan was to sell enough teeth to get herself a nice pedicure.

“I was looking through my sock drawer when I came across a bunch of old teeth that my older boy lost a year or two ago. They were just sitting there in little baggies, doing nothing! What’s so bad about trying to make a few bucks? I ain’t hurting anyone!”

The FBI and the Health Department have been called in on the case since the teeth technically qualify as medical waste. The FBI is still trying to determine whether or not the teeth fall under the statutes that govern the sale of human body parts.  No one from the FBI could be reached for comment.

Mrs. Schaeffer’s illicit actions were discovered when a bidding war broke out between two students over a fresh tooth she collected just that morning from under her younger son’s pillow. Mrs. Schaeffer explained, “I tried to tell them that he has three more loose ones right now but neither of them wanted to wait. I guess it got a little heated.”

A third student reported the activity to the playground aide who–in an unprecedented move–took action and called down to the office to report the matter. The authorities were called and Mrs. Schaeffer was taken into custody immediately. Mr. Schaeffer and the Schaeffer children declined to comment aside from 16-year-old Lindsay Schaeffer’s exclamation of “Gross!” accompanied by a vicious eye roll.

Pope Suffering From Rare and Dangerous Disease Called Compassion

The Vatican reported this morning that Pope Francis is ill.

His Holiness has recently drawn confused stares from the other members of the Holy See with controversial statements such as, “If a person is gay and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge them?” and “God has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ… Even the atheists.”

Atheists, by the way, are calling the Pope “dreamy”; gays are intrigued, but remain disdainful of his dated, monochromatic wardrobe choices.

Vatican spokesperson Thomas Rosica said that although the Pope appears healthy, his strange behavior indicates that he is afflicted with a rare and dangerous disease known as “compassion.”

“Nobody at the Vatican recognized what was wrong with him,” said Rosica. “Then one of the cardinals remembered he’d seen this kind of behavior once before. He correctly diagnosed His Holiness as having compassion compounded by a related affliction called ‘common sense.’”

A common treatment for Catholics with this disease involves being sprinkled with holy water and then force-fed Catholic doctrine along with a metric fuck-ton of communion wafers.

When asked to speculate on the Pope’s prognosis, Rosica said, “At this time, since His Holiness opposes both same-sex marriage and the ordination of women, it’s likely that he’s not too far gone and can be cured, hopefully before he infects others.”

Pope Francis has been resting comfortably without his fancy robes and tall Pope hat and has been abstaining from taking rides in the Popemobile until he can be examined by a medical professional.

Failure to Share Back-To-School Photos Gets Parents Banned from PTA

“I was in so much shock, I had to read it twice,” said Jane McGreeley, 42, of Dayton, Ohio, in response to an angry email she and her husband, Brian McGreeley, 47, received from their local Parent Teachers Association.

The email, sent by Darlene Dawson, president of the Meadow Valley Elementary PTA, called out the McGreeleys’ failure to share back-to-school photos of their two children (names withheld) on Facebook and Instagram.

“Your blatant disregard for your children is evident by your inaction,” Dawson wrote. “We have no choice but to ban you from participating in our Parent Teachers Association until further notice.

For Jane McGreeley, who was in charge of the PTA’s annual brownie sale, this was a tough blow. Mr. McGreeley, who lead the school’s casino night fundraiser was also affected by the news.

A respected visual effects artist, McGreeley is  known to produce elaborate videos to showcase family milestones. His daughter’s birth announcement was screened at Sundance and went on to receive several accolades including an Oscar nomination for best documentary short.

When asked why he and his wife decided not to make a big deal out of their kids’ return to school, McGreeley responded, “I guess we just weren’t feeling it this year.”

The McGreeleys’ decision affected more than just the PTA.

Holly Smith, a neighbor and family friend, was concerned when her Facebook feed was devoid of any back-to-school photos of the McGreeley children.

“I thought maybe they decided to homeschool this year. They are pretty hippyish. They drive a hybrid, after all.”

The McGreeleys attempts to appeal the PTA’s decision have failed thus far. The Meadow Valley PTA is notorious for its strict policies; something former member Cynthia Fern knows all too well.

“One time I brought only vanilla cupcakes to the bake sale, and that was all it took. I now drop my kid off two blocks away out off shame.”

When asked to comment on the PTA’s policies, and the McGreeley case specifically, Dawson said, “We all know that a well-crafted back-to-school photo complete with chalkboard declaring the child’s desire to become a My Little Pony or Spider-Man is essential to ensuring they become productive members of society. We don’t want to work with parents who have so little regard for their kids future.”

Though she is now a social pariah, Mrs. McGreeley sees the positive side of her situation.

“The PTA took up so much of my time. Now, I’m free to pursue my other passions, motocross and extreme couponing.”

Youngest Person Ever to Appear on Hoarders

This past week a source at TLC leaked information regarding an upcoming episode of their hugely popular show, Hoarders.

The youngest person ever to be featured on the show is a 4 year old from South central Pennsylvania named Valerie Parker. Her mother contacted the show after realizing that Valerie had a serious problem with “letting go.” Whether it be clothes, toys or even empty fruit snack wrappers, little Val throws a fit when it comes to getting rid of things.“At first we thought it was cute. She liked to collect things,” noted Valerie’s mother. “Then we noticed that her collections were getting quite large and when we felt it was time to pass things on–you know, old baby toys, outgrown clothes–she really threw a fit. I was fine with the Barbies and the Legos, but the snack trash and sippy cups were becoming unacceptable. And the amount of stuffed animals we have. Beanie babies and Webkins…” Mrs. Parker trailed off before breaking down in tears.

Mr. Parker reportedly tried sneaking things into garbage bags one night while Valerie was sleeping. That backfired on him when Valerie woke up the next morning and asked for specific items from the bag such as a ratty old baby blanket that she hadn’t touched in weeks and a “very special” My Little Pony Happy Meal toy from McDonald’s that Mrs. Parker found under the couch that evening. Now fearing the loss of more possessions, the girl hardly sleeps at all and when she does, it’s only on top of a large pile of toys and clothing.

“I guess we’re somewhat to blame,” admits Mrs. Parker. “Christmas, birthday presents, gifts from the Tooth Fairy, trips to Target–including obligatory stops at the Dollar Spot. We really try not to spoil her, but, well, she’s so cute when your’e not trying to take her things away, and she asks so nicely for everything, it’s hard not to buy her things. It’s difficult when you are so good at finding the perfect gifts! Every time she would open a present she would tell us that it was exactly what she always wanted!”

Valerie is the youngest of three children, so many of her toys have been passed down from her older siblings. “She got so many hand-me-downs that we wanted her to have some new things,” Mrs. Parker rationalized. She also shamefully admits that there may have been some incidents of bribing that exacerbated the issue.

Grandparents and aunts and uncles have admittedly contributed to the problem as well. Members of the extended family declined comment fearing a backlash from other children in the family who are actually jealous of Valerie’s massive hoard and a situation that they perceive as “unfair.”

Mrs. Parker has made efforts to explain to Valerie that they are running out of room to keep everything and that she should only keep the things that are special to her. Valerie emphatically insisted that “EVERYTHING IS SPECIAL!”

Mrs. Parker tried to rationalize with, “If everything is special than nothing is special. It’s all the same!”

Valerie retorted, “Yes! It’s all the same and it’s all SPECIAL!”

One of the show’s psychologists explains that this is a phenomenon called Toddler Logic and it is impossible to break. Rational thinking is simply not effective with a child of this age.

TLC is reportedly planning on airing the episode early in 2016. There have been rumors that advertisers are unwilling to buy airtime unless the show airs after the Holiday season, citing concerns of a decine in the rampant consumerism they have come to depend on at that time of year. An anonymous source from a major toy retailer claims that they are worried that other parents will be afraid that this could happen to their child and that they will curb Holiday spending as a result. Our source at TLC would not confirm that information.

As for little Valerie, she is rumored to be in “after-care” therapy since the filming of her episode; as is Mrs. Parker who was removed from the home to be placed in an inpatient recovery facility. She reportedly yelled, “At least we didn’t have a house full of rat shit!” at gawking reporters who have been camped outside her home since the news leak.

It is suspected that both Valerie and her mother will be in therapy for quite some time before they can resume a normal life without so much stuff.