70% of Moms of Boys are Big Fat Poopy Butts

A recent study by the Society for Gender Studies reveals that mothers of boys are more disgusting than non-mothers or mothers of girls.

“There’s a big gender disparity,” says Dr. Gerald Plotz, head researcher with the SGS. Of the moms surveyed, 70% of boy moms were found to be “big fat poopy butts,” Plotz reports. Nineteen percent were some iteration of “poopy face,” 8% were “giant fartblasters,” and the remaining 3% identified as “unspecified anus-related monstrosity.”

The study also shows that it is common for moms of boys to transition very quickly between identities. One mother surveyed began as a “poopy butt” and morphed over the course of a quarter of an hour into a “big fat poopy butt,” a “big fat poopy butt in space,” and a “big fat poopy butt in poopy butt space.”

“It happened so fast, I could barely keep up,” said Karen Barker, whose 3-year-old son Jax is gifted with a finely honed sense of hyperbole and a shit obsession. “Sometimes I don’t know who I am anymore, but if I start to forget, my son will quickly remind me.”

Although the shifting identities can be confusing and degrading, they’re totally normal, and you’re not alone, says Dr. Plotz.

“I’m actually relieved by the findings,” stated Kim Marconi, mom of three boys. “I was starting to lose my mind. Last week, I wrote ‘Turd Fingers’ on a credit card application.”

About Abby Byrd

Abby Byrd mothers, frets, writes, teaches, and corrects other people’s grammar in an undisclosed location on the East coast of the United States of America. Her work has appeared on Scary Mommy, BLUNTMoms, Mamalode, In The Powder Room, The Mid, and The Good Men Project, and in two anthologies. She is working on a memoir about her decade-long search for a partner and why correct use of the semicolon may not be the most important quality in a mate. Follow her on Twitter, on Facebook, and at her blog, Little Miss Perfect

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