Tips for Creating Good Habits While Toilet Training Your Child

Children need to be taught good habits from the smallest things like eating and sleeping on time, communication habits … and especially the habit of going to the toilet on time. Many mothers are often subjective because they have diapers so they do not pay attention to the time and quality of the toilet. The use of diapers too much will also affect the habit and harm the skin of children. The following article will help mothers better understand the issues surrounding the child’s toilet and how to form a good toilet habits for children.

What is the appropriate time for children to go to the toilet?

Babies in the newborn period from 0 to 6 months old are very difficult for their mothers to teach them to go to the toilet because at this time. They still cannot control their own toilet. When your baby is 6 months or older, moms should gradually teach your child how to recognize when to go to the toilet or to watch for signs of when your baby “sad” to go to the toilet.

This stage requires a lot of attention from the mother. Whenever you feel that the baby can hear and understand what I’m saying, it’s time for me to make the habit of going to the toilet on time.

Experience in practicing toilet habits for children

Practicing the right time to go to the toilet for your baby is not to make him / her punctual in order to go to the toilet, but rather based on the time of the baby who often goes to the toilet to arrange a more appropriate time to go to the toilet . Mother must observe carefully, the signs when you prepare to go to the toilet to readjust. For example, does he usually go to the bathroom when he wakes up? What happens when babies finish eating? Or after you have just finished breastfeeding?

When mom has grasped the schedule of the baby and then mother to practice at that time. The baby learns to familiarize yourself with the sound of the mother or questions like whether you want to pee or not. If you have pee, it will help you more easily in the process of training the child.

Some babies tell their mother when she has finished peeing. So be patient and teach her when she wants to pee, let her know in advance. At first maybe the baby still doesn’t understand what mom wants to say. But this is also a way to help her be more active in toileting.

Mom should note the following tips to create habits for your children easily.

Asking the mother to persevere

Creating a good habit of going to the toilet is not possible every day. Moreover, mother also limits the use of baby diapers. When wearing a diaper, it will be difficult for her to detect when the child has gone to the toilet and the baby will be passive with the awareness that she has finished using the toilet.

When you see the baby suddenly go to the toilet in the middle of the house, on the mattress. Then the mother do not rush to prevent or panic. But keep a stable mood, encourage your child because doing so can startle him and his image affect the excretion of the baby.

Get your child familiar with the toilet image

By showing each day your mother’s and baby’s programs, things you should teach your child to feel more curious, watch and learn very quickly.

When the baby is sitting, the mother should use the toilet in a potty or toilet seat. Making a habit when mom holds her to her seat then she knows she will have to go to the toilet.

Hopefully mom has equipped more good knowledge in the process of taking care of children. Each routine seems to be simple but it gives a lot of meaning to the mother and the baby. Wishing you success with your determination!

Child Safety at Home

When he or she knows how to slide, he or she can move. He or she will know how to roll, crawl, walk, climb, hold / with / pull objects. Are you sure mom will always be by the side to ensure your children are safe 24/24?

Below is a list of things parents need to do to ensure safety for children in the home even when parents are not with their children.

Safe around the house

Safety latch

Adding latches, safety locks on cabinets and drawers is one of the easiest ways to keep your baby’s immature fingers away from the potential dangers in these places. Pay more attention to low-level cabinets in the kitchen and bathroom. This is often the area where chemical detergents and sharp objects like knives, scissors are stored.

When choosing safety latches, you should find the type of latch that suits the style of cabinets and kitchen cabinets, while ensuring durability and convenience for adults to use. Also, consider which type of latch leaves the least “consequence” when removing when the baby is older and no longer need to use safety latches.

Baby gates for stairs

For a toddler crawling, crawling, the best baby gates for stairs are an effective tool to localize a safe area and prevent them from moving to potentially dangerous places in the home. You can set the door block at the door of your baby’s bedroom or bathroom, a kitchen, two stairs. Some other places depending on the layout of your home.

Gates for stairs are usually made of vertical slats with a height of about 80 – 100 cm. The wooden sticks are closed in parallel with each other and the distance is reasonable so that the baby will not be stuck in his hand and can still see outside. In addition to wood, now blocking doors are made of plastic and inox.

Straps to keep things indoors

When your child starts learning to stand, learning to walk is a time when you should reinforce the “connection” between the equipment and heavy furniture and walls with one, two straps. Because when clinging to objects such as bookshelves, cabinets, tables, chairs … children tend to pull these objects towards themselves and if not held firmly in place, they can fall on the baby.

Medical box

In many cases, children think that the capsule is candy, mistakenly swallow adult medicine, put medicine on the face. Because parents carelessly put the medicine in bed, table, and places they can see. Therefore, keeping all your family’s medicines in a dedicated, locked cupboard and hanging high out of your baby’s reach is essential to protecting your child’s safety.

Besides, you need to make sure that you always put your old medicines, expired medicines, and toxic chemicals in the tightly closed trash bins, not indiscriminately throw them away in the wastebasket in the bathroom or in the place where your baby can get.

Safety in Bathroom

Drowning is one of the leading causes of accidents among people aged 1 to 4 years of age. Most children drown because of falling into a pool or an area with lots of water such as a bathtub. However, children can also suffocate when falling into very small bodies of water only about 25 – 30 cm.

Make sure that containers containing chemicals such as toilet cleaners, washing liquid, shampoo, makeup remover, nail polish, razors are kept out of the reach of children or in locked cabinets.

Anti-slip mats: In the bathroom, you should have at least one non-slip mat on the floor. One in the bath (if applicable) to prevent the risk of baby slipping, causing muscle, bone, or possible injury choke water. Currently on the market are available anti-slip sheets in tubs that have a very funny shape suitable for your baby’s liking.

Water heater: Turn off the heater when bathing children. Always lock the total water faucet if the water is still hot, design the faucet to turn the shower too high for children.

Toilet: use a toilet lid with a size suitable for your babyChild Safety at Home

Safety in the Kitchen Room

Refrigerator: buy a lock to lock the refrigerator.

Stove: When cooking on a gas stove, always turn the handle of the pan and pot inside so your baby cannot reach and pull down. Lock gas, gas valve after cooking. Use a gas stove leak alarm.

Microwave: Leave the microwave, oven, cupboard, knife, cutting board out of the reach of children, and unplug these devices after use.Child Safety at Home

Safety Bedroom / Private Room of Children

Do not hang shelves or bookcases above children’s beds/cribs

Baby cribs must ensure the quality standards, cushions are suitable for the size of the crib, using cribs

The medicine chest must be too high for children to reach and locked up.

Use a mattress instead of a bed.Child Safety at Home

Safety in the Living Room

Fragile items such as vases, picture frames … keep out of reach of children.

Hang the TV on high or lock the TV when not in use.

Cover the table and pointy furniture.

Use door blocking so your child can’t close/open the door.

The most important step to ensuring your home’s safety is to watch your baby wherever he is and teach him to be on his own!

How Often Should You Cleanse Your Face With the Manual One?

First of all, pick the one with soft bristles and gentle on the skin when looking for a manual brush.

To use a manual facial cleansing brush, use your favorite cleanser or exfoliator throughout your face. Take your manual brush for facial cleansing and rub your face for five minutes in circular motions. Rinse your face once you’ve done that and you’re done.

How to use Best Facial Cleansing Brush: the electric one.

Facial cleaning brushes are often available in electronic formats and are particularly effective in washing your skin. Electric facial cleaning pins are designed to thoroughly purify the skin, eliminate impurities and reduce the excess of oil using supersonic technology. They are also compact, and when you travel, you can take it with you.How Often Should You Cleanse Your Face1

By contrast to popular belief, you do not have to buy the most costly brush to clean your hair. You can buy some affordable electric facial cleansing brushes there, as well as the most expensive equipment.

To use an electric brush in clean your facial hair, you have to apply your favorite cleanser or exfoliator to your skin. Apply it uniformly across your face until it is fully covered. Take your electric facial cleansing brush and let it clean your skin automatically. Electrical facial cleaning brushes are humming so you don’t have to make the effort to surround your hair.

Cleanse your face about five minutes with an electric brush for facial cleansing. Then rinse your face once you’re done.

You have never heard about FATIAL CLEANSING BRUSHES.

Every now and then, the beauty world creates an invention that revolutionizes our views in the mirror. This innovation has been the face washing brush in recent times. We just knew our face washing routine for our hands, facial wash or scrub, and a water splash. But the nature of facial cleaning has changed. Read more about the drug and how you can engage in your beauty routine.

The skin care routine was reinvented at some point at the turn of the decade with the advent of the facial brush. It’s a handheld battery-operated tool with bristles used to pin the face in a soothing wash and adjustable speed.

How does the skin benefit from a facial cleaning system.

This tool gives the skin of the consumer many advantages. Firstly, their customizable brush pads and speeds allow the user to adapt their exfoliation at a slower speed from softer bristles.

Furthermore, it allows one to use the brush for the face wash of their choosing so that if they have a sensitive skin, it could be the approved product or its own.

Second, since the system does not include palm and finger use, sterilization and hygiene are simpler and more hygienic.

Fourth, when traveling, it’s portable enough to stash in one bag.

Fifth, and most importantly, a brush that cleanses the face is more than what the fingers deliver without being too abrasive. Therefore, it goes deeper into the skin to clear the gritty and blocked pores.

Is a brush for facial purification perfect for my face.

Unlike wine shoes and styles, skin care does not fall into the category ‘ one size fits all.’ This is because the different skin types respond very differently to the available options. Therefore, with the facial brush, it is better to evaluate your skin and the level of exfoliation it needs before you buy it. The system is best suited for dry, natural and acne-prone skin that must be thoroughly cleaned from within so that it is handled efficiently from the outside. It can be used weekly or depends on how often it is needed.

What should I try before I buy a facial cleaning system?

There are few indicators to keep in mind before taking the plunge. First, ensure the brush head is removable so that after a few months it can be replaced to avoid bacterial reproduction. Secondly, find out how the system you pick operates with a separate face wash, to suit your routine ideally. Thirdly, ensure that the device is waterproof or waterproof. Since you spend most of your time on a sink or in the shower, it should resist the moisture and keep the face silky!

In short, the skincare routine should always be cleansed. You ought to start if you do not clean, tone and moisturize!

Using a facial cleaning brush is the best way to cleanse your hair, because daily with a facial cleansing brush, the skin is clean and clear.

You can choose to use either a manual brush to purify the face or an electric brush to purify the face. Even if they work differently, these two have the same general benefits: they both purify your skin and enable you to achieve a smoother, healthier and youthful skin.

THE MULTI-PURPOSE BEAUTY TOOL.

The best way to reveal natural glow and radiance of your skin is by applying a quality facial or body brush. The electric burns today typically have interchangeable heads, designed to provide a detailed yet gentle cleaning experience while exfoliating, massaging and smooth. With daily usage you will benefit from skin cells that absorb and rejuvenate faster, noticeably lower pores less likely to block and higher production of collagen that greatly improve the elasticity of your skin Most dermatologists suggest the use of cleaning pins for the removal of impurities, avoid acne and boost blood circulation.

One of the money-saving prices for cleansing your skin is that it allows you to better perform expensive moisturizers and other cosmetics. If the skin is clean, serums and creams can penetrate and function more quickly and efficiently. Some electric face pins are even waterproof and can be used in the bath or shower safely and conveniently.

A PROVEN MAKEUP PARTNER.

Since electric facial cleanser brush heads spin rapidly and often at different speeds, it is perfect for eliminating the boring form that is left behind by the regular cleaning system. The soft, natural bristles lift you up heavily to allow you to feel a high level of cleanliness that keeps your pores clear and your skin vibrant.

At the other end of the makup continuum, many users report that after using a facial brush, their items are cleaner and even better. Others like to combine this versatile tool with their choice of cleansing and skin care products. And many opt for the ultimate approach to cosmetic application and removal to equip their facial brushes with lengthening make-up mirrors.

Can I Give My Newborn a Pacifier?

Normally, most of the babies would have strong sucking reflex, some babies has the habit of sucking their thumbs or fingers before they born. Beyond considered about the nutrition values sucking often has the soothing and calming effects. This is the main reason why parents prefer the pacifiers along with their diaper wiper.

But you would have an oscillation in your mind that whether you can use the pacifier for your newborn babies? Before finding out the answer for this question there is a need for you to know its positive side as well as its negative side only then you can decide whether to use or skip it off.

Why to use?

  • Some babies would really feel happy when they are sucking on something.
  • The pacifier acts as the temporary distractions.
  • It has the power to make your baby to fall asleep.
  • It helps for reducing the risk of your sudden infant of death syndrome.
  • You can easily dispose them when its needs are fulfilled.

Why not to use?

  • It acts as interfere with your breast feeding and some babies are sensitive so they cannot adapt to it easily.
  • Your babies might get addicted or dependent on it and they love to use it always.
  • It might also increase out your risk of your middle ear infection.
  • Prolonged usage might lead to the dental problems.

Can I Give My Newborn a Pacifier

 Tips

  • You should wait until for few weeks to get well established results found in breastfeeding’s.
  • Don’t use the pacifier without knowing for what reason you are giving to your babies.
  • It is best choice for you to prefer the silicone one piece that adds safety.
  • There is a need for you to maintain it clean and don’t ever sugarcoat it.
  • After using it keep it in the safest place.

Even when it has lots of pro’s and con’s without knowing about how, why and necessity to use then it would create some problems. So before starting to use try to know everything about it and do some research works on it and start using it. When you have lots of confusions then get clarified them with your doctors and then start to use it and make your baby to feel pleasant that has the power to bring out a cute smile in the face of your pretty kids.

The best pacifier for breast feeding

Becoming a mother for the first time creates a golden opportunity for you because many people are longing to get that happiness in their life. So as a mother there is a need for you to choose all best things for your little charm.

When you are choosing the pacifiers there is a need for you to choose the best pacifier for breastfeeding. Here are few of the best pacifiers for breastfed your babies and make them to stay active.

Attractive MAM pacifiers

  • During night time you can easily find it because it has a glowing specialty during dark nights.
  • The outside handle would contain an adorable picture.
  • The shape is designed in the systematic method so that your nipple cannot be put in your baby’s mouth wrongly.
  • One can easily clean out the silicone pacifier easily through keeping them in microwave for three minutes.

Impressive Philips avent soothie pacifier

  • The shape would be rounded and easy for you to use. The nipple mostly goes directly up and curves.
  • You can easily clean it and use it.

Stylist Ecopiggy’s Ecopacifier

  • It acts as like a natural soother for your infant babies.
  • Free from the chemicals and colorants.
  • Free from the plastic, PVC and other unhygienic things

Interesting Evenflo feeding

  • It is balanced up with the cylindrical pacifier and easy to maintain,
  • The silicone material remains to be best product and it includes the easy grip handles that would be good for mother as well as baby.
  • It is free from the BPA and polycarbonate and it is safe for your kids to make use of it.

Tommee tippe

  • It is more closely resembles out a nursing nipple.
  • It holds the natural curves without any sharp angels.
  • It acts as a great plus for the mother who likes to transmit their baby from breast to pacifier.
  • It comes out with the super soft silicone for providing the easier latching and natural skin like feelings.Can I Give My Newborn a Pacifier

    NUK newborn 100% silicone Orthodontic pacifier

    You can get them in four different sixes and most of the brand would offer three different sizes. So it suits for all types of babies who are under 26 month. That too the interesting fact is that you can buy based on that.

    Beyond its sizes the brand it claims for offering a truly orthodontic shape and it acts as a one piece for construction features with the asymmetrical shape that supports for the oral developments.

    Fascinating bibs nature rubber baby

    It provides the best comfortable situation for your babies. It acts as a best replacement for your breast to suckle. The shape and material imitate as like the mothers breast so your babies would really like that pacifier.

    Like other kinds of the pacifiers it is designed in the safe to use manner and it contains a ring holds through using it you can hold it or attach a clip.

    When your baby get comfortable situation sure they too would love and like to make use of it and stay happy and energetic always.

    How to predict more pacifiers?

    You don’t want to feel oh my God! Only this many pacifiers are available for your babies because when you can make a search you can find out lots of best pacifier for breastfeeding products on online store and you can choose one from them and start using it. Before buying any product on online store check the customer reviews.

Talk to Your Daughter About Shaving and Be Nice

Talking to your daughter about shaving certain hairs will be easy. Daughters are going to hit puberty sooner or later. You shouldn’t worry about it too much. This is a normal stage in their life. A time when they found out what love is and learn how to shave their body. You can teach them what they need to do to shave each part of their body. Even, tell them about why they need best shaving cream for bikini area on their skin. Tell them all the things they need to know and set them in the right path. Make sure they the know the consequences of what happens when they make the wrong decisions when shaving. Shaving hair on your skin is easy but it can get really ugly fast. Can get ugly really fast and all sorts of ways. Important to take your time and make sure the razor is not hurting you. See more below to get a start for telling her about shaving.

What Time Should You Talk About Shaving

The right time to talk about shaving is when you notice the signs that she needs to shave. This natually happens sometime in middle school. I will say in the 7th or 8th grade. he will be about 13 to 15 years old. This is when you need to tell her about shaving. Do not tell her when she is in elementary school. She is far too young to learn about that type of thing. She also needs to be a child and think the world is this beautiful Disney land place. The girl will have signs when she is ready. She will have hairs growing from her panties and may see something growing on her legs. The hair may be small to see. But, once it gets really long it is time to tell her about shaving. You know it is time when you talk to her and look at her close up. Then, it will be time to talk to her about it.

Furthermore, when you talk to her about shaving, you need to be nice about it. She is a little girl and does not know the harsh realities of life yet. The girl must be taught the lesson in a nice way. Yelling at her will make her think you don’t like her instead of learning the lesson. That is how children think. You must never forget she is a child. A child must be taught things the nice way in order for them to learn the best way. That is what worked for me. I am sure it will work for your daughter.

Razors Daughter Should Use

Razors your daughter should use should be for kids. Kids have skin that is softer then the skin you use. She is not an adult. Her skin is easier to cut hair and also easier to get scrapes. So, go to the store and look for a razor in the kid section. When she reaches the age of 16 and up, she may be ready for the adult razors. Strangely, the girl may want her private area shaved in middle school. Teach her to shave it with best shaving cream for bikini area that you can find for kids. Shaving cream is needed for you and so is it for her. Shaving cream makes the blade cut smoother and makes her feel no cuts from the blade. Inform her about the shaving cream and make sure she uses it every time she shaves. It may be wise to watch her the first few times shaving too. Kids never fully know what their doing until they practice and practice.

Safe Tips to Tell Her About Shaving

Tips you should tell your daughter for her own safety. Tip 1, never use razors with other people. You could catch a STD or a disease that can’t be cured. Tip 2, take your time when you shave. If you have to be in a hurry, make sure you set outside time to take care of that. It is ok to rush a little but but never rush to the point when you need something shave in 1 quick minute. That will always lead to disaster. No matter how you cut it. It will end up scratching and tearing the flesh. Blood will be every where.

Can Your Skin Care Routine Affect Your Pregnancy

Every pregnant women thinks her usual cleaning routine is safe for body but is it really safe? A woman walks to the mirror and add regular soap to stretch marks. The woman performs the same routine daily. Weeks go by, she realizes that there is something missing. The stretch marks seem to be getting worse and something else is amiss. She’s losing moisture in her whole body skin. She doesn’t understand why this is happening. But, I can tell you scientifically that she’s losing normal body moisturizer due to pregnancy. Bodily hormones are switching and forcing her skin to to become dryer. She needs to wear the best stretch mark prevention cream during pregnancy to have a chance at making those brown scars disappear. You should wear it too if you deal with pregnancy and here’s why below.

Wear Stretch Mark Cream for Pregnancy Scars

After you get pregnant, you get all these scars on your belly that needs treatment. At first, you might say to yourself that you don’t need to get treatment. But, this where you are so wrong. Your body is doing a lot of expanding. Stretching in places you wouldn’t think possible. Especially, in the area where you are going to have children. With all this in mind, consider wearing the best stretch mark prevention cream during pregnancy to get rid of scars. You can choose to ignore what I say, but you could end up with a big ugly scar. One that will stay with you for the next 20 years or so. The choice is yours.

Something extra to consider, a woman’s body during pregnancy gets dryer. You should use the same cream to apply to your face, arms, legs, stomach, and so forth. You don’t want your skin to look dry I suppose. Make sure you apply the cream to your whole body. Keep your body looking like its in its 20s after pregnancy. Don’t let your body to go down the old mom path. Take care of it.

Moisturize to Prevent Pregnant Skin From Itching

As you go through your pregnancy, you will experience tight and itchy skin. This is not something you want to experience. I suggest you wear some moisturizer to help you fight off the itchiness. You must realize that this is going to be a long journey. Having any help that can make it easier is needed. You can not give in to the itch and cause it to make you super annoyed. Wear the moisturizer and save yourself the trouble. It will feel weird to use it everyday, but you will get use to it and soon the itchiness will go away. You should do everything in your power to make the itchiness go away, because you have a baby on the way and that is enough pain. You don’t need any more ha ha.

Can Hair Treatment During Pregnancy Cause More Problems?

Hair treatment during pregnancy is not a bid deal or is it? For the most part, the chemicals found in hair dye and shampoos are harmless. Amounts can be absorbed into the body when your pregnant. But, those chemicals are in small amounts. To add, the chemicals will in no way reach the fetus. Your life is fully safe is you use hair dye and shampoo during pregnancy. Well, there are certain hair product situations you want to avoid to prevent a issue. Not something you need to know but read more down below to find out.

Take Precautions When Washing Hair

Washing your hair needs to be done well. Don’t go in that shower thinking you can just do anything when you’re pregnant. Being pregnant means hair is going to fall out if tampered too much. Again, make sure you don’t wash hair without doing the proper technique. What is the proper technique? Simply, wash hair with shampoo and so forth. Leave shampoo in your hair for a few minutes only. Then, wash hair out with water very through. Get in deep into the scalp and make sure every little soap piece is gone. Using safe hair dye for pregnancy and other hair products can give you a higher grade of hair treatment. Dye or shampoo created for pregnancy can be left in hair a little longer as well. Not all day though.

Equally important, pregnant hair is very frail. Strands are not too strong together. You need to be very careful with what you allow to touch your hair. A little hair pull to the right can cause your hair to lose hair follicles it can’t grow back. Could find yourself with no hair if you let people pull on it too tough. Be very protective of your hair. Let everyone around you know they can’t touch it. Hair stops growing at a certain age too. Regardless, keep your hair safe from everyone and bad interference.

Limit Exposure to Hair Treatment Chemicals

Wherever, make sure you limit contact with hair treatment chemicals. Doing this for a little time is not a big deal. But when you use hair products during pregnancy for long periods or touch, you are causing the scalp to get a weaker level of protection. Normally, your scalp is protected by natural lipids and oils. The oils break when exposed to hair chemicals for too long. Putting bluntly, wash your hair fast with any hair chemical. Safe hair dye for pregnancy you use for hair must also be washed with fast. Same applies to other hair products. You are a women that is pregnant. Remember the hair strands are weak and I mean very weak. Please wash hair fast with any hair product.

Consider Using Pure vegetables Dyes When Changing Hair Color

Scientist have figure out not too many years ago that pure vegetable dyes work well for pregnant women. Use this instead of regular dye because it can cause itch and stinging. Interested in getting the best outcome you can see? Wash hair with a product that has pure vegetable dye in it. Watch it help your hair get stronger.

70% of Moms of Boys are Big Fat Poopy Butts

A recent study by the Society for Gender Studies reveals that mothers of boys are more disgusting than non-mothers or mothers of girls.

“There’s a big gender disparity,” says Dr. Gerald Plotz, head researcher with the SGS. Of the moms surveyed, 70% of boy moms were found to be “big fat poopy butts,” Plotz reports. Nineteen percent were some iteration of “poopy face,” 8% were “giant fartblasters,” and the remaining 3% identified as “unspecified anus-related monstrosity.”

The study also shows that it is common for moms of boys to transition very quickly between identities. One mother surveyed began as a “poopy butt” and morphed over the course of a quarter of an hour into a “big fat poopy butt,” a “big fat poopy butt in space,” and a “big fat poopy butt in poopy butt space.”

“It happened so fast, I could barely keep up,” said Karen Barker, whose 3-year-old son Jax is gifted with a finely honed sense of hyperbole and a shit obsession. “Sometimes I don’t know who I am anymore, but if I start to forget, my son will quickly remind me.”

Although the shifting identities can be confusing and degrading, they’re totally normal, and you’re not alone, says Dr. Plotz.

“I’m actually relieved by the findings,” stated Kim Marconi, mom of three boys. “I was starting to lose my mind. Last week, I wrote ‘Turd Fingers’ on a credit card application.”

Women of the Shopping Center Discover New Splash Park Attraction

I have been treated and I wanted to share my good fortune. My most recent trip to the shopping center had me acquainted with these ass washers. Have you seen them? It has taken me a really long time to appreciate their special talents because I had assumed these bidet wannabes were asserting their authority when they flushed before I was ready. Now I know that the douchiest of all automation, the auto flush toilets, is what progress looks like.

The previous kick lever system was flawed. Sure, it always worked only when you wanted it to. Sure, it was also hands-free. But it wasn’t progress. We must move forward, ladies, because a man got involved to improve our lives.

I say it was a man because men wouldn’t dare flush. Men don’t even flush at home so that they don’t have to wash their hands. “Isn’t that someone’s job? I don’t want to take away someone’s job” was heard outside the men’s room shortly before his automation idea was flushed out.

So a man got involved and said to some automation asshole, “Can we just get the toilets to flush without us even thinking about it since our wives refuse to go in the men’s room after us?” Cue progress.

Now we have the automated toilet. They are environmentally friendly, we are told. They use less water so we all must get on board (or on seat). The automated porcelain ass holder I used today flushed once when I was mid-stream and treated me to an excrement shower, once when I was mid-wipe and once when I was putting my purse on my shoulder. Genius. I never had to see the water being used so it was clearly just a trickle each time. And since I am using one-ply, the double the tissue used to wipe my giant urine-splashed caboose is really just evening the score for all that two-ply I insist on at home.

The man says they are more hygienic. I have to say the bottom of my shoes have never looked cleaner! After I do the ‘I’m done dance’ in front of the sensor without luck, I press the button. Not with my foot but with an actual digit because the button is small. It is small enough to contain the fecal matter of all the previous coffee drinkers. But that is what the automated hand washers are for. Am I right?

That button sits atop the toilet and requires leaning over the bowl. If you can’t get the toilet to flush like a real man does by calling your wife and blaming the kids, this is your penance for being courteous. Just leave it, ladies. It will work eventually.

If you are busting and there is only ‘that stall’ open which requires a flush, you must hover over the giant fecal art display and hope that there is no shit shrapnel from doing your good deed. Who needs good deeds in the karma bank? If you are busting, just add to the display. That is what custodians are for. Really, do you want to take away a union job with all your do-gooding?

If women just behaved more like men in the toilet stall, we wouldn’t have any of these problems. If we stopped caring about cleanliness, other people, and earth-saving bullshit, then we wouldn’t need to worry if we had to float over the seat to avoid the splash back. We wouldn’t have to worry if the damn thing even flushed at all. The next in line wouldn’t care anyway. She should just be happy that she is not peeing in a hole like in Asia.

Next time you are at the shopping center, don’t forget to enjoy the splash park in the name of progress. After all, why should the kids have all the fun?

Local School District Considers Structuring Classrooms By Weight

The Snooterson School District is considering a request by a local group of concerned mothers to separate students by weight.

Alyce Bryson, mother of two Helmsley Elementary students, said, “It’s not fair to our children to expect them to be bombarded with bad examples.” Bryson paused to smooth the hem of her tennis skirt. “My children work very hard to make good food choices and stay physically active. They understand that people who aren’t thin just aren’t as good as everyone else and have made it their passion to stay in top physical condition. How can they continue down the road to good health when they are surrounded by children whose parents don’t love them?”

When asked if she felt it was incendiary to suggest other parents don’t love their children, Bryson said, “It’s obvious, isn’t it? I mean, when you see children who are, well, I hesitate to use the word “fatties” because it’s just so hateful, but you know what I mean. A parent who loves their child would never allow their children to have over 8% body fat.We check body fat at our house every Tuesday and trust me, the kid who gets up to even 8.1% is going to lose their wheat grass smoothie treat for two weeks.”

When pressed to explain how the segregation would work, Bryson brightened and said, “We’ve found a way to make it fun for the kids. They’ll be in weight classes, like boxers. Kids like mine will be in a ‘featherweight’ room. Kids whose parents might love them but allow them occasional access to sugar and processed food will be in a ‘middleweight’ room. Children whose parents don’t love them, you know, the ones who eat fast food and have never run a single marathon, will be relegated to a ‘heavyweight’ room.”

Malissa Hurst, a neighbor of Ms. Bryson, added her take on the new classrooms. “I had no idea Alyce’s group was as straight up crazy as they are. First of all, this plan isn’t being implemented. The principal had to get a restraining order against Alyce and the only other people who still go to her meetings are her mother and her housekeeper who doesn’t speak English. I think she pays her housekeeper overtime to attend. Anyway, I dropped out of her group after the first meeting. She said it was a group dedicated to children’s health. Mostly, we had to listen to her talk incessantly about her kid’s grueling schedules. I warned her if she didn’t get the stick out of her ass that people would stop attending.”

When informed of Ms. Hurst’s comments, Ms Bryson retorted, “I DO have a stick up my ass when it comes to the issue of our children’s health. I have a huge, throbbing stick up my ass and I am proud of that stick. I believe in this. I am doing this for my children. I want them to be surrounded by the same beauty and dedication at school as they have at home. We all want is best for our children. I just don’t see how I could live with myself if I didn’t fight for this cause.”

Frank Johnson, Vice Principal at Helmsley Elementary declined to comment other than to dismiss Ms Bryson’s claim that her classroom by weight was being considered for implementation.