We Just Want to Take Your Kid in this Shed and Teach Him About Jesus (by Some Clowns)

Parents, listen: All we want to do when we try to catch your eye at the county fair is take your children into our semi-permanent shed-like structure and entertain them while teaching them about Jesus. Is that so bad? Is it really necessary to avert your gaze and pretend you’re in a hurry? Because we know you can see us, and we know you’re not in a hurry. We can read your lips when your child says, “Who’s that, Mama?” and you hiss through clenched teeth, “It’s nobody. Come on.”

Nobody? Hurtful. Clowns are people too, and when we see in your eyes the pure terror that’s driving you to tighten your grasp on your child’s hand and flee far the fuck away from our nightmarish faces and lame jokes, it hurts. Once we even saw a mother drop a funnel cake as she grabbed her stroller with both hands and broke into a run—and she didn’t come back for it. She was so repulsed by us that she was willing to let a mass of fried dough covered in powdered sugar languish in the grass. The day I saw someone drop a fried Oreo and not look back was the day I knew we clowns had serious PR problems.

Look, we know how the media depicts us, and it’s all wrong. Clowns as deranged murderers? You’re thinking of Pennywise, from Stephen King’s It. First of all, Pennywise is a fictional character. Second, he isn’t even a real clown. He’s merely one aspect of an interdimensional predatory life form, and he has no degree from an accredited clown college. And third, Pennywise does not know Jesus Christ. (Actually, we’re not totally sure about that; none of us has seen the movie, but Loopsy read the book back in her sinning days, and she says she’s almost 100% sure Pennywise has not dedicated his heart to the Lord.) What we’re saying is, real clowns aren’t killers. The only “killing” I’m doing is with my bit about Moses parting the Red Sea, featuring a half-torn “C” made out of red construction paper.

No child has ever been harmed during our presentations. Occasionally, kids cry over disturbing balloon animals that turn out not at all as expected. And there was that one time Buttons inadvertently spread lice by saying “Create in me, O Lord, a clean heart” and dusting a bunch of kindergarteners with a feather duster. But mostly what we spread is the Word of God.

So why won’t you give us a chance?

About Abby Byrd

Abby Byrd mothers, frets, writes, teaches, and corrects other people’s grammar in an undisclosed location on the East coast of the United States of America. Her work has appeared on Scary Mommy, BLUNTMoms, Mamalode, In The Powder Room, The Mid, and The Good Men Project, and in two anthologies. She is working on a memoir about her decade-long search for a partner and why correct use of the semicolon may not be the most important quality in a mate. Follow her on Twitter, on Facebook, and at her blog, Little Miss Perfect

Oprah Returns To T.V. To Interview Mom Who’s Kids Actually Ate Dinner

Oprah:  (to camera) I am here with Darcy Roberts, stay-at-home-mom, who went into shock when her four children ate the dinner she cooked with no whining or complaining.  One of the children reportedly ate seconds.

Oprah:  (to Mrs. Roberts) Take us back to that moment when you knew that something very strange was going on.

Mrs. Roberts:  Well, I called everyone to the table and set out everyone’s plates just like any other dinnertime.  I braced myself for the whining, eye-rolling, the complaining that happens EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  I mean, I really should be used to it by now, but I just keep holding out hope that one day…(trails off)

Oprah:  That day has come, Darcy. (pats Mrs. Robert’s hand)

Mrs. Roberts:  Yeah. So, anyway, I set everything out and, well, at first I kind of didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary because I had to get up from the table to get Stewart’s juice. I always forget SOMETHING and that night it was his juice. Oh, and then Priscilla asked for ketchup so I turned around to get that from the fridge.  So usually I sit and get about two bites in before Mimi starts asking for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or an applesauce pouch or whatever she can negotiate for instead of eating what I cooked.

Oprah:  At what point were you aware that your children were actually eating, Mrs. Roberts?

Mrs. Roberts:  Right, so I actually got about three bites in–and THAT was its own miracle, you know?–when I realized that the dog was whining.  Now this was unusual because normally Edmond will feed him something from his plate almost immediately.  Once I realized that the dog was whining, I looked up from my plate and that’s when I kind of went numb.

Oprah:  Tell us what you saw, Mrs. Roberts.

Mrs. Roberts:  They were eating. They were eating dinner.  MY KIDS were eating their dinner.  No one was whining or complaining. I mean, Priscilla wanted ketchup, but she eats ketchup on everything, I mean, the girl dips her grapes in it for crying out loud–

Oprah:  So how did you feel when you realized what was happening?

Mrs. Roberts:  How did I feel?  I didn’t know what to feel.  I mean, I just didn’t feel anything.  I’m always so ready to just fight the battle, you know?  I always feel so wound up sitting down at the table, ready to battle it out over green beans and baked chicken.

Oprah:  I understand.  I think every mom in America understands your frustration.

Mrs. Roberts:  I couldn’t believe my eyes. And the craziest thing was that it was a casserole! A CASSEROLE! There was meat and vegetables and SAUCE! I mean my Mimi was eating food smothered in sauce!

Oprah:  Mrs. Roberts, we’ve heard that one of your children asked for seconds. Talk about that.

Mrs. Roberts:  Yes! Yes! My oldest boy, Edmond, asked for seconds. That’s when I started crying. He’s a growing boy, but I couldn’t pay him to eat second of anything. I mean literally, I’ve tried bribing him with money and trips to the toy store.  He’d rather starve!

Oprah:  Where was Mr. Roberts when this was happening?

Mrs. Roberts:  He was working late that evening. He got home right about the time the kids finished reading and asked to be excused. He found me standing at kitchen counter crying into the casserole.  But I assure you, Miss Winfrey, those were years of joy. Tears of joy.

Oprah:  Thank you, Darcy, for sharing your heartwarming story with us. It certainly gives hope to all the other mothers out there, but I would be remiss if I didn’t ask the burning question that every mom in America wants to know:  What was that recipe?

Casual Cool Ways to Wear Your Cat This Fall

The leaves are changing and there’s a chill in the air. It’s the perfect time to cozy up to a feline companion, stroke him soothingly, and then drape him over your neck like a scarf. If Mr. Jingles proves cooperative, you can even wear him as a hat.

Cat-wearing is trending for fall and we’ve got the skinny on how to wear your kitty that’ll give new meaning to the term catwalk.

Get the look:

At work, jazz up that A-line skirt and crew-neck sweater by wearing a cat as a collar. Tip: Make sure you use a cat that matches your sweater. The hot guy one cubicle over doesn’t need to know you’re covered in cat hair and no one looks sexy rolling herself down with a lint brush.

At play, pair your cat with a tweed jacket and low-slung jeans. You’ll look effortless, savvy, and sporty, with just the right note of casual sophistication. Meow!

At the big game, top those red cords with an ombre blouse in dusty gold and burnt copper. Finish the look by tucking a football under one arm and an orange longhair named Marmalade under the other. Rawr, team!

For day into night cats, pair black knit with white silk. Before heading out after work, don a boho chic mid-length coat with oversize pockets holding two Siamese cats named Jay and Daisy.

Does your tomcat like to prowl? For the pussy who loves to perambulate, try gaucho pants and a Nehru jacket. Le chat? Your hat.

Want even more international flair? You’ll be catnip wearing a striped bandeau over matador pants. Un gato? Le chapeau.

Flabby tabby? Still look fabby. Snuggle Nacho in your cowl-neck sweater and wear over skinny jeans for a surprisingly slimming effect. Purrfection!

And finally, don’t be afraid to mix and match patterns. Argyle socks, a plaid skirt, and a herringbone sweater. Complete the look with a tortoiseshell cat named Mittens under your arm. For a touch more whimsy, try animal prints—tiger stripes!—and wear them with a tie-dye shirt covered with trippy-looking outer space cats. To take it up a notch, add a zip-up hoodie and stuff it with a litter of newborn kittens.

From street style to the catwalk, this is the look every cool cat craves for fall. Grab your kitty and get on trend. Right meow!

How To Write The Perfect Passive-Aggressive Note In 5 Easy Steps

Let’s face it. The world is full of inconsiderate people. Folks who forget to mow their lawn on a daily basis. Parents who let their 13-year-old walk a block down the street unsupervised. People without an obvious disability using a handicap placard to get a better parking spot. How dare these people think they can get away with these transgressions?

These scum must be stopped.

Of course, you can’t just confront them. That means revealing yourself and having a conversation. That would be weird. We all know conversations must only take place in the comments section of Reddit.

Nope. You need to write a note. Preferably one that tells them how awful you think they are, but in the nicest way possible.

So gather up your finest stationery (can’t preach on any old scrap paper) and follow these tips for crafting the perfect anonymous note.

1. Begin with the right salutation

Dear Sir or Madame won’t do enough to convey your anger. You want to let them know you are mad; mad enough to leave a note on their windshield.

Try “Dear irresponsible mom who should never have had kids,” or “Greetings from someone who actually cares about home values.”

2. Make sure to let them know you’ve noticed this problem for a long time.

“I took a month off from my exotic pottery club to follow you to the supermarket and I noticed you enjoying the convenience of the handicap parking space.”

3. Add some form of a threat. Extra points for mentioning law enforcement.

“The next time I see your son walking alone, I’ll have no choice but to call child protective services.”

4. Include a little guilt.

“If you took some pride in your lawn, we might not be in this situation.”

5. Put a little flare in your closing.

Nothing says, “I think very poorly of you, but I don’t want to be rude” quite like the smiley face. In fact, you can just slap that right at the end of your note. It will really sink in that way.

Once your note is ready, sneakily place it on your target’s door/windshield and watch gleefully from behind a bush as they take in your verbal smackdown.

Should I Be Teaching My Daughter To Knit With Her Vagina? (And Other Questions)

Dear Fellow Next-Generation Feminists,

I am but a branch in a long line of feminists on my family tree. I was raised by a feminist, as was my mother before me, and I am proud to be raising three feminists of my own– I have two daughters and one son. However, in light of recent newsworthy events being done in our name, I fear that I am feministing wrong. I could use your help with two scenarios which seemed fairly straightforward to me until recently.

This is the first: My six-year-old daughter recently began learning to knit at school and she seems to be enjoying it immensely. She is even planning on knitting Christmas gifts for a few family members. I was thrilled to hear of her newfound hobby as it is the source of much pride and joy for her. However, upon learning about a woman in Australia who uses her vagina to knit as part of a feminist performance art piece, I immediately became distraught. Here I had thought that my budding little Susan B. Anthony had found a hobby to use as a creative outlet and to develop her fine-motor skills, when, in fact, she had fallen victim to the patriarchy of the knitting needle industry.

So, tell me, should I demand that the teacher demonstrate proper vagina-knitting technique to my little one, thus ensuring that she does not grow up ashamed of her beautiful, built-in knit-and-purl machine? Would it be advisable for the teacher to follow the artist’s lead and use her menstrual excretions as part of her classroom modeling? Or should my daughter not be knitting at all before puberty as her vagina is not yet capable of the wondrous things that yours and mine are such as childbirth and cooking?

My second predicament arose after I learned of another brave woman who ran an entire marathon without using a tampon even though she was menstruating at the time. The phenomenon was referred to as “free bleeding.” I brushed aside my instinctive concerns about hygiene and blood-born pathogens and began wondering if I, too, was sending the wrong message to my infant daughter by forcing her to wear diapers against her will. I thought that I had her best interests at heart, as well as those of others around her, by containing her waste matter and disposing of it in a timely fashion, but now I am not so sure.

My question to you is, are there free-peeing groups that I can join or should I consider starting one of my own? How would you suggest explaining this practice to less enlightened family members, grocery store patrons, and similar? I want my baby to understand that the processes of urination and defecation are perfectly natural and nothing to be ashamed of, but my mother keeps bringing up things like “hygiene” and “common decency.” She just doesn’t get it. She can’t see that we are continuing the hard work of her generation and of those before her. I guess that passing the torch is never easy.

Thank you in advance for any guidance that you can provide in these areas. I may not understand those who do outrageous acts in the name of feminism, but I am always open to learning. Happily though, I can report that I do not anticipate any respect issues by my son with regards to his sisters’ bodies. I spent the last three nights forming their fecal matter into Lego-shaped blocks in hopes of removing the stigma that is so often given to bowel movements. He is blissfully building away as we speak– no anal-shaming here! Whew!

Looking forward to the day when we can all vomit in public without fear of retribution,

Leslie

Teen Trends: The Kim Kardashian Butt Challenge

Experts are warning parents to be on the lookout for the latest dangerous teen trend, the Kim Kardashian Butt Challenge.

What Is It?

Most parents have heard about the Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge, in which teens attempt to make their lips swell by putting their mouths into the opening of a shot glass and sucking in, creating a vacuum. However, parents shouldn’t underestimate the Kardashian posterior, which continues to captivate America’s youth, say experts. Young girls are now challenging one another to increase cheek size by applying suction to the buttocks, typically with a vacuum cleaner attachment or toilet plunger. Since the challenge is difficult to implement alone, girls frequently attempt it in partners or groups, some even arranging “butt suck parties.”

The Dangers

The effects of the Kim Kardashian Butt Challenge depend on how long suction is applied to the buttocks. Most teens will experience mild to moderate gluteal bruising. Long-term effects include scarring, permanent disfigurement, utter self-absorption, owning a pair of shorts with the word “Bootylicious” emblazoned on the butt, and procreating with Kanye West.

Who is at Risk?

A girl is at greatest risk if she

  • Has a thin frame
  • Is white
  • Has low self-esteem
  • Has been exposed to “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” on E!

Warning Signs

Take immediate action if your child:

  • Frequently looks critically in mirrors at her own backside
  • Winces when sitting down, prefers to stand, or requests one of those squishy butt donuts given to sufferers of broken tailbones
  • Shows a greater-than-usual interest in vacuuming or plunging toilets
  • Hoards the plunger or vacuum in her room for long periods, claiming to be “cleaning”
  • Pressures you to buy a Dyson

Experts note that boys who hoard the vacuum may be attempting the Liam Neeson Dick Challenge, which is toooootally different but equally dangerous.

Moms Arrested For Drag Racing Minivans in School Zone

At 2:37 pm on Friday, Mrs. Elizabeth “Liz” Stewart and Mrs. Staci Lee were arrested for speeding, reckless endangerment, and DUI (to be confirmed).

“I was walking to the street to assist directing traffic at the school pick-up line and heard tires squealing and smelled burnt rubber.” witness and school volunteer Renee Fisk reported. “Next thing I know, two minivans were barreling toward me while obscenities were being screamed out the windows. I always knew Staci was a little wild, but I expected better of Liz. I mean she is the PTA treasurer!”

Tire tracks spanning a quarter of a mile show evidence of the race. Police were already at the school and were quickly able to get the situation stopped before anyone got hurt. Both ladies were removed from their vehicles and failed the DUI test. Mrs Stewart, wearing yoga pants and running shoes, was slurring her words and was unable to walk in a straight line. Mrs. Lee, wearing a cocktail dress and five-inch heels, was equally unable to walk in a straight line; however the police ordered a blood test to definitively determine her sobriety as no one can walk properly in heels like that.

“We were at a mutual friend’s house and Staci just wouldn’t stop talking about her new van that her husband bought for her. She was going on and on about the heated leather seats, automatic doors, and tailgate; she just wouldn’t shut up. She is always bragging about everything they have. It was just another way for her to show off to all of us. She thought her van was so much better than mine, she didn’t realize this ol’ girl still has a lot of get up and go,” she said while fondly patting the hood of her 2003 Honda Odyssey. “She’s never had to work for a thing. Her husband is loaded; the only job that hussy has ever done involves a mouth or hand.” Mrs Stewart stated.

When asked whether she had been drinking, Mrs Stewart declared, “Hell yea I’ve been drinking! Anytime I have to spend more than 15 minutes near that pretentious bitch I slam down mimosas like they are water. I mean, did you see what that whore was wearing? She puts anything on her body that has the word “cock” in it!”

Mrs. Lee also gave a statement. “Liz is just jealous because she dated my husband before me and he broke it off when he met me. She needs to get over it. I am tired of her constantly judging me. Maybe if she were a little freakier in the bedroom she could get a man who could buy her a sweet van like mine,” she said while flipping her hair over her shoulder. “She has a cute body but she could stand some Botox and a boob job. Why rely on what God gave you when you can go to the doctor and get what you want? I don’t know why she always acts like we are competing. I mean, is it really a competition between her and I?” Mrs Lee asked while posing for the newspaper photographer. “And anyway, I totally won that race.”

The children of both ladies were mortified and caught rides home with their friend’s parents so as not to have to face their mothers. An eye witness overheard Mrs Stewart’s daughter state, “Mrs Lee’s new van is pretty sweet, but I would never tell my mom that.” Each child has a counseling session lined up at the local therapist.

After being bailed out by her husband, a physically restrained, and possibly still-drunk, Mrs. Stewart hollered out at Mrs Lee who was being bailed out by her tennis coach: “Hey Staci! See you next Tuesday. Bitch!”

Extreme Couponing: The Real Deal

In a MockMom exclusive, one woman gives us an inside look into the world of extreme couponing. Her story is so inspiring!

After binge watching Extreme Couponing on Netflix while my daughters were playing in the sandbox at the neighbor’s house (you know, the one with all the cats?) I said to myself “Hey! Why should those crazy bitches be the only ones to walk away with $300 worth of groceries for $2.75?”

I immediately went into action and bought me a laptop, printer, binder, inserts, a tub of post-it tabs, Microsoft Couponer 3.7 and a pair of sparkly purple scissors. All this for only $2,300!! I was SOOO gonna to save me some cash and be able to quit my job at the local DG.

I ain’t made of money so there ain’t no way I was gonna spend $2.00 on a newspaper just to get the coupon section. So I went to the dump on Thursday (the trash man goes through the rich neighborhood on Wednesday and we all know them hoity-toity type don’t coupon), dove into the heap, and gathered all the ads I could find with coupons in them. Would you believe that people will throw these things out just ’cause they have a little raw chicken soaked into them? I gathered up all the coupons I could find and even got me a new coffee cup while there; it only had half a handle but ain’t that all you need?

Once I got all the ads I snuck out past the security guard and to the road where I left my T-bird and headed to the house. I spread my loot on the table and started tabulatin’ and whatnot. Man, I scored big time when I grabbed them 27 Piggly Wiggly ads. It had a $1.00 off Powerade coupon in it! I also hit the jackpot with 22 coupons for $0.75 off cake mix and them are on sale for $1.35 apiece. With double coupons I am makin’ money on these! I then used my new computer to research which stores had what on sale and made a spreadsheet.

After 72 hours, I was ready to grocery shop and boy howdy was I nervous. I grabbed my rolling suitcase filled with coupons, my binders, a whistle, and two bottles of water in case I got dehydrated. I made my oldest daughter come with me to push the cart since my supplies took up half of one.

We got done in nearly four and a half hours and I hit my goal of spending under $10 at the Winn-Dixie! I am as excited as a fly on shit! I managed to get 15 tubes of toothpaste, 42 energy drinks, 16 boxes of pasta, 13 packs of gum, 27 cake mixes, 18 containers of cream of wheat, 14 cans of Vienna sausage, and 23 bottles of mustard.

Once we got home we had to find room for all the items we got so I ran out to K-Mart and got a metal shelving system complete with that thingy made for cans. I used a coupon (duh!) and only spent $57 on it!

It took me a few hours but I got the shelving system set up and all my treasures organized by type and expiration date. Good thing I had all those energy drinks to keep me going!

Then the kids started whining they were hungry so I opened up a few of them Vienna sausages and a bottle of mustard and called it dinner. Yee-haw, I was able to feed those two young’uns for nothing! As a treat, I gave them a box of cake mix and a Powerade and let them make a cake in that there new mug I found. They said it was right good. It’s a shame I got the sugar and can’t eat none of it.

I been up now for another 42 hours straight doing more couponing and downing these here energy drinks. I plan to move my girls out of their bedroom and into the pantry so I’ll have a bigger space to put all my freebies. I can fit a full size mattress in there with no problem. Did I tell you that I was able to score 1500 diapers at the Walgreen’s for $0.89? I don’t even have no baby!

I got to go head in to work to put in some overtime to pay off the $4200 I spent in couponing supplies. Afterward me and Candy from next door are going to hit the Big Lots. I hear they got marshmallows on sale for a dollar a bag and I got me a bunch of coupons for it. Good thing I have those 62 tubes of toothpaste cause I ain’t takin’ them to the dentist. They don’t take coupons there.

Pumpkin Spice Personal Lubricant to Debut This Fall

Personal lubricant manufacturer EZGlide announced yesterday that a new pumpkin-oriented product will appear in stores this October.

Spicy Pumpkin personal lubricant will deliver the quality lubrication consumers have come to expect. “As always,” says a spokesperson for EZGlide, “it’s water-based, water-soluble, and condom-compatible, but with the subtle taste and smell of America’s favorite gourd.”

EZGlide reports that with each successive autumn, the company has been feeling pressure to meet the demands of an ever-growing pumpkin-obsessed public. “Those women buying pumpkin lattes, pumpkin muffin mix, pumpkin candles, and pumpkin body lotion need lube just like everyone else,” said a member of the company’s marketing team. “When fall hits, we want that part of our consumer base to think, ‘The weather’s getting colder; what I really need right now is a pumpkin-flavored cock.’”

While EZGlide doesn’t expect Spicy Pumpkin personal lubricant to do well with its male demographic, the company plans to rely on an inherently female weakness for pumpkin products coupled with an inherently male weakness for going along with anything that will get them laid.

Spicy Pumpkin Warming Liquid is slated to appear in fall 2016.

Mom Caught Dealing on School Grounds

Tuesday afternoon in Millburn, New Jersey, 42-year-old Margot Schaeffer was caught dealing “unsavory” items outside the Glenwood Elementary School playground. She was found to be selling teeth to young children who were reportedly going to put them under their pillows in an effort to defraud the Tooth Fairy.  We were unable to reach the Tooth Fairy for comment.

“I just wanted some extra cash!” Margot defended–against the advice of her lawyer. “Word in the mom’s group was that they were putting out $10 and $20 for teeth these days! TWENTY DOLLARS!!

I put fifty cents under my kids pillows! Anyway, I figured if those little shits were getting $20 a pop, they’d easily cough up $5 or more for one.”

Her plan was to sell enough teeth to get herself a nice pedicure.

“I was looking through my sock drawer when I came across a bunch of old teeth that my older boy lost a year or two ago. They were just sitting there in little baggies, doing nothing! What’s so bad about trying to make a few bucks? I ain’t hurting anyone!”

The FBI and the Health Department have been called in on the case since the teeth technically qualify as medical waste. The FBI is still trying to determine whether or not the teeth fall under the statutes that govern the sale of human body parts.  No one from the FBI could be reached for comment.

Mrs. Schaeffer’s illicit actions were discovered when a bidding war broke out between two students over a fresh tooth she collected just that morning from under her younger son’s pillow. Mrs. Schaeffer explained, “I tried to tell them that he has three more loose ones right now but neither of them wanted to wait. I guess it got a little heated.”

A third student reported the activity to the playground aide who–in an unprecedented move–took action and called down to the office to report the matter. The authorities were called and Mrs. Schaeffer was taken into custody immediately. Mr. Schaeffer and the Schaeffer children declined to comment aside from 16-year-old Lindsay Schaeffer’s exclamation of “Gross!” accompanied by a vicious eye roll.