Violence broke out today at a library in a suburb of Cincinnati, Ohio.
A room in the library used for holding club meetings was mistakenly booked for both the knitting club and the crocheting club at 7:00 pm on Tuesday.
Gladys Blount, president of the local chapter of ‘Knit or Die’ approached Selma Brockman of the ‘Crochet Rockets’ and told her to pack her skeins up and take off.
An eye witness claims that Selma didn’t bat an eye before shoving a 10mm crochet hook through Gladys’s quilted knitting bag, spilling the contents and ripping through the bag.
“Gladys had no choice but to jab Selma in the leg with her knitting needle. It was self defense,” said an unnamed bystander.
Violence seemed inevitable. Mary Jo Truax, an avid knitter, whipped out her shears and brandished them. “You don’t understand. This is my time. MY TIME. This is the only night I don’t have to help with homework that I don’t fucking understand. This is the only time that my husband has to make dinner. This is the only place I go EVER where no one calls me mommy. I will die before I give this up.”
Edna Pennington, head librarian, called the authorities and was able to defuse the situation before the authorities arrived. “I wear cat eye glasses, so everyone knows that makes me the meanest bitch here. I just told them that someone was going to lose an eye and they calmed down. I don’t mess around, yo.”
Officer Cuff was the first to arrive at the scene. “I’m not going to lie, I’ve been on the force for over 10 years and I did not feel good about this situation. The two groups of women seemed to be calm, but you could feel the tension in the air. One sarcastic remark about discount yarn and we would have been on our way to a full scale riot. People worry about gang violence. They just don’t consider these groups dangerous. They’d be terrified if they understood how brutal these women can be. If it were up to me, I would disband these clubs.”
He went on to ask his last remark be removed for fear over his personal safety.
We laughed and said ‘no’.
Edna Pennington offered to negotiate the safe departure of both groups. When asked why the women didn’t share the room, Edna had this to say: “Share the room? Are you insane? We will have peace in the Middle East before crocheters and knitters can occupy the same space.”
A brief squabble broke out between knitter Pamela Drisdale and crocheter Tilda McSwell. McSwell accused Drisdale of sneaking one of her snickerdoodles. Drisdale responded harshly, intimating that she would never eat baked goods made by hands that touch crochet hooks. Drisdale then brushed the crumbs from her old lady cleavage and walked away. McSwell told reporters, “I always bring two baker’s dozens of snickerdoodles. My snickerdoodles are always in demand. I saw that Drisdale women hovering around the cookie table and when I counted, there were only 25 cookies. Those knitter’s are savages who don’t understand that one doesn’t eat until snack time.”
Tensions began running high as the ‘cookie drama’ circulated through the two groups. Fortunately, Edna Pennington once again calmed the angry mob. “Ladies, The Macrame Marauders are due any minute now. Is this really a fight you want to continue?”
The two groups eyed each other up and down for a moment before grabbing their snacks and craft supply bags and hurrying out of the building amidst comments of “Fuck that, I’m out of here” and “Those macrame bitches are crazy.”
Edna Pennington crossed her arms and looked down her nose at the women as they retreated from the building. She sighed and told reporters, “No one appreciates the delicate negotiations I conduct on a weekly basis here. Knitters and crocheters are punk compared to those gluten free moms and the vegan shell painters.”
An ongoing investigation is underway to determine how the scheduling error happened in the first place. Until then, Edna Pennington says she will continue to ensure there is peace in the library.