Moms Arrested For Drag Racing Minivans in School Zone

At 2:37 pm on Friday, Mrs. Elizabeth “Liz” Stewart and Mrs. Staci Lee were arrested for speeding, reckless endangerment, and DUI (to be confirmed). “I was walking to the street to assist directing traffic at the school pick-up line and heard tires squealing and smelled burnt rubber.” witness and school volunteer Renee Fisk reported. “Next thing I know,…

Pumpkin Spice Personal Lubricant to Debut This Fall

Personal lubricant manufacturer EZGlide announced yesterday that a new pumpkin-oriented product will appear in stores this October. Spicy Pumpkin personal lubricant will deliver the quality lubrication consumers have come to expect. “As always,” says a spokesperson for EZGlide, “it’s water-based, water-soluble, and condom-compatible, but with the subtle taste and smell of America’s favorite gourd.” EZGlide…

Local Woman Supports Toilet Paper Public School Ban

Tireless digestive health campaigner, Jennifer Simmons-Adler, spoke today with reporters regarding her controversial proposal to eliminate toilet paper from public schools in her district. Ms. Simmons-Adler’s stated goal is “to not deprive the children of toilet paper. Not at all. I want to eliminate toilet paper as a way to better enable them to choose…