Local Woman Supports Toilet Paper Public School Ban

Tireless digestive health campaigner, Jennifer Simmons-Adler, spoke today with reporters regarding her controversial proposal to eliminate toilet paper from public schools in her district. Ms. Simmons-Adler’s stated goal is “to not deprive the children of toilet paper. Not at all. I want to eliminate toilet paper as a way to better enable them to choose…

Atheist Family Hiding Behind Facade of Normalcy

Hattiesburg resident Rosalie Blackburn reports that the family of avowed atheists next door are blithely continuing with their lives, seemingly unaware of the fiery torment they are destined to experience when Christ returns to rule on Earth. “It’s mind-boggling,” says Blackburn, who tracks the family’s daily activities through her kitchen window. “They go to work…