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Mom Caught Dealing on School Grounds

Mom Caught Dealing on School Grounds

Tuesday afternoon in Millburn, New Jersey, 42-year-old Margot Schaeffer was caught dealing “unsavory” items outside the Glenwood Elementary School playground. She was found to be selling teeth to young children who were reportedly going to put them under their pillows in an effort to defraud the Tooth Fairy.  We were unable to reach the Tooth Fairy for comment.

“I just wanted some extra cash!” Margot defended–against the advice of her lawyer. “Word in the mom’s group was that they were putting out $10 and $20 for teeth these days! TWENTY DOLLARS!!

I put fifty cents under my kids pillows! Anyway, I figured if those little shits were getting $20 a pop, they’d easily cough up $5 or more for one.”

Her plan was to sell enough teeth to get herself a nice pedicure.

“I was looking through my sock drawer when I came across a bunch of old teeth that my older boy lost a year or two ago. They were just sitting there in little baggies, doing nothing! What’s so bad about trying to make a few bucks? I ain’t hurting anyone!”

The FBI and the Health Department have been called in on the case since the teeth technically qualify as medical waste. The FBI is still trying to determine whether or not the teeth fall under the statutes that govern the sale of human body parts.  No one from the FBI could be reached for comment.

Mrs. Schaeffer’s illicit actions were discovered when a bidding war broke out between two students over a fresh tooth she collected just that morning from under her younger son’s pillow. Mrs. Schaeffer explained, “I tried to tell them that he has three more loose ones right now but neither of them wanted to wait. I guess it got a little heated.”

A third student reported the activity to the playground aide who–in an unprecedented move–took action and called down to the office to report the matter. The authorities were called and Mrs. Schaeffer was taken into custody immediately. Mr. Schaeffer and the Schaeffer children declined to comment aside from 16-year-old Lindsay Schaeffer’s exclamation of “Gross!” accompanied by a vicious eye roll.

About Melanie Madamba

Melanie Madamba is The NotsoSuperMom: forever nerd, mother of three, and coffee addict. Not to be confused with a Super Mom or anyone else who seems to have it together. She writes to escape the laundry and to pretend someone is listening to her. If you are trying to avoid your laundry, you can kill some time checking her out on Facebook, Pinterest or the Twitter.

Pope Suffering From Rare and Dangerous Disease Called Compassion

Pope Suffering From Rare and Dangerous Disease Called Compassion

The Vatican reported this morning that Pope Francis is ill.

His Holiness has recently drawn confused stares from the other members of the Holy See with controversial statements such as, “If a person is gay and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge them?” and “God has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ… Even the atheists.”

Atheists, by the way, are calling the Pope “dreamy”; gays are intrigued, but remain disdainful of his dated, monochromatic wardrobe choices.

Vatican spokesperson Thomas Rosica said that although the Pope appears healthy, his strange behavior indicates that he is afflicted with a rare and dangerous disease known as “compassion.”

“Nobody at the Vatican recognized what was wrong with him,” said Rosica. “Then one of the cardinals remembered he’d seen this kind of behavior once before. He correctly diagnosed His Holiness as having compassion compounded by a related affliction called ‘common sense.’”

A common treatment for Catholics with this disease involves being sprinkled with holy water and then force-fed Catholic doctrine along with a metric fuck-ton of communion wafers.

When asked to speculate on the Pope’s prognosis, Rosica said, “At this time, since His Holiness opposes both same-sex marriage and the ordination of women, it’s likely that he’s not too far gone and can be cured, hopefully before he infects others.”

Pope Francis has been resting comfortably without his fancy robes and tall Pope hat and has been abstaining from taking rides in the Popemobile until he can be examined by a medical professional.