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Women of the Shopping Center Discover New Splash Park Attraction

Women of the Shopping Center Discover New Splash Park Attraction

I have been treated and I wanted to share my good fortune. My most recent trip to the shopping center had me acquainted with these ass washers. Have you seen them? It has taken me a really long time to appreciate their special talents because I had assumed these bidet wannabes were asserting their authority when they flushed before I was ready. Now I know that the douchiest of all automation, the auto flush toilets, is what progress looks like.

The previous kick lever system was flawed. Sure, it always worked only when you wanted it to. Sure, it was also hands-free. But it wasn’t progress. We must move forward, ladies, because a man got involved to improve our lives.

I say it was a man because men wouldn’t dare flush. Men don’t even flush at home so that they don’t have to wash their hands. “Isn’t that someone’s job? I don’t want to take away someone’s job” was heard outside the men’s room shortly before his automation idea was flushed out.

So a man got involved and said to some automation asshole, “Can we just get the toilets to flush without us even thinking about it since our wives refuse to go in the men’s room after us?” Cue progress.

Now we have the automated toilet. They are environmentally friendly, we are told. They use less water so we all must get on board (or on seat). The automated porcelain ass holder I used today flushed once when I was mid-stream and treated me to an excrement shower, once when I was mid-wipe and once when I was putting my purse on my shoulder. Genius. I never had to see the water being used so it was clearly just a trickle each time. And since I am using one-ply, the double the tissue used to wipe my giant urine-splashed caboose is really just evening the score for all that two-ply I insist on at home.

The man says they are more hygienic. I have to say the bottom of my shoes have never looked cleaner! After I do the ‘I’m done dance’ in front of the sensor without luck, I press the button. Not with my foot but with an actual digit because the button is small. It is small enough to contain the fecal matter of all the previous coffee drinkers. But that is what the automated hand washers are for. Am I right?

That button sits atop the toilet and requires leaning over the bowl. If you can’t get the toilet to flush like a real man does by calling your wife and blaming the kids, this is your penance for being courteous. Just leave it, ladies. It will work eventually.

If you are busting and there is only ‘that stall’ open which requires a flush, you must hover over the giant fecal art display and hope that there is no shit shrapnel from doing your good deed. Who needs good deeds in the karma bank? If you are busting, just add to the display. That is what custodians are for. Really, do you want to take away a union job with all your do-gooding?

If women just behaved more like men in the toilet stall, we wouldn’t have any of these problems. If we stopped caring about cleanliness, other people, and earth-saving bullshit, then we wouldn’t need to worry if we had to float over the seat to avoid the splash back. We wouldn’t have to worry if the damn thing even flushed at all. The next in line wouldn’t care anyway. She should just be happy that she is not peeing in a hole like in Asia.

Next time you are at the shopping center, don’t forget to enjoy the splash park in the name of progress. After all, why should the kids have all the fun?

About Kristine Laco

Kristine Laco shares her stories at MumRevised.com with a splash of sarcasm and a pinch of bitch. She lives in the Toronto area and is a stay-at-home mother of two kids aged 14 and 12 and a fur-baby. Her middle finger is her favourite.

Oprah Returns To T.V. To Interview Mom Who’s Kids Actually Ate Dinner

Oprah Returns To T.V. To Interview Mom Who’s Kids Actually Ate Dinner

Oprah:  (to camera) I am here with Darcy Roberts, stay-at-home-mom, who went into shock when her four children ate the dinner she cooked with no whining or complaining.  One of the children reportedly ate seconds.

Oprah:  (to Mrs. Roberts) Take us back to that moment when you knew that something very strange was going on.

Mrs. Roberts:  Well, I called everyone to the table and set out everyone’s plates just like any other dinnertime.  I braced myself for the whining, eye-rolling, the complaining that happens EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT.  I mean, I really should be used to it by now, but I just keep holding out hope that one day…(trails off)

Oprah:  That day has come, Darcy. (pats Mrs. Robert’s hand)

Mrs. Roberts:  Yeah. So, anyway, I set everything out and, well, at first I kind of didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary because I had to get up from the table to get Stewart’s juice. I always forget SOMETHING and that night it was his juice. Oh, and then Priscilla asked for ketchup so I turned around to get that from the fridge.  So usually I sit and get about two bites in before Mimi starts asking for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or an applesauce pouch or whatever she can negotiate for instead of eating what I cooked.

Oprah:  At what point were you aware that your children were actually eating, Mrs. Roberts?

Mrs. Roberts:  Right, so I actually got about three bites in–and THAT was its own miracle, you know?–when I realized that the dog was whining.  Now this was unusual because normally Edmond will feed him something from his plate almost immediately.  Once I realized that the dog was whining, I looked up from my plate and that’s when I kind of went numb.

Oprah:  Tell us what you saw, Mrs. Roberts.

Mrs. Roberts:  They were eating. They were eating dinner.  MY KIDS were eating their dinner.  No one was whining or complaining. I mean, Priscilla wanted ketchup, but she eats ketchup on everything, I mean, the girl dips her grapes in it for crying out loud–

Oprah:  So how did you feel when you realized what was happening?

Mrs. Roberts:  How did I feel?  I didn’t know what to feel.  I mean, I just didn’t feel anything.  I’m always so ready to just fight the battle, you know?  I always feel so wound up sitting down at the table, ready to battle it out over green beans and baked chicken.

Oprah:  I understand.  I think every mom in America understands your frustration.

Mrs. Roberts:  I couldn’t believe my eyes. And the craziest thing was that it was a casserole! A CASSEROLE! There was meat and vegetables and SAUCE! I mean my Mimi was eating food smothered in sauce!

Oprah:  Mrs. Roberts, we’ve heard that one of your children asked for seconds. Talk about that.

Mrs. Roberts:  Yes! Yes! My oldest boy, Edmond, asked for seconds. That’s when I started crying. He’s a growing boy, but I couldn’t pay him to eat second of anything. I mean literally, I’ve tried bribing him with money and trips to the toy store.  He’d rather starve!

Oprah:  Where was Mr. Roberts when this was happening?

Mrs. Roberts:  He was working late that evening. He got home right about the time the kids finished reading and asked to be excused. He found me standing at kitchen counter crying into the casserole.  But I assure you, Miss Winfrey, those were years of joy. Tears of joy.

Oprah:  Thank you, Darcy, for sharing your heartwarming story with us. It certainly gives hope to all the other mothers out there, but I would be remiss if I didn’t ask the burning question that every mom in America wants to know:  What was that recipe?

About Melanie Madamba

Melanie Madamba is The NotsoSuperMom: forever nerd, mother of three, and coffee addict. Not to be confused with a Super Mom or anyone else who seems to have it together. She writes to escape the laundry and to pretend someone is listening to her. If you are trying to avoid your laundry, you can kill some time checking her out on Facebook, Pinterest or the Twitter.

Casual Cool Ways to Wear Your Cat This Fall

Casual Cool Ways to Wear Your Cat This Fall

The leaves are changing and there’s a chill in the air. It’s the perfect time to cozy up to a feline companion, stroke him soothingly, and then drape him over your neck like a scarf. If Mr. Jingles proves cooperative, you can even wear him as a hat.

Cat-wearing is trending for fall and we’ve got the skinny on how to wear your kitty that’ll give new meaning to the term catwalk.

Get the look:

At work, jazz up that A-line skirt and crew-neck sweater by wearing a cat as a collar. Tip: Make sure you use a cat that matches your sweater. The hot guy one cubicle over doesn’t need to know you’re covered in cat hair and no one looks sexy rolling herself down with a lint brush.

At play, pair your cat with a tweed jacket and low-slung jeans. You’ll look effortless, savvy, and sporty, with just the right note of casual sophistication. Meow!

At the big game, top those red cords with an ombre blouse in dusty gold and burnt copper. Finish the look by tucking a football under one arm and an orange longhair named Marmalade under the other. Rawr, team!

For day into night cats, pair black knit with white silk. Before heading out after work, don a boho chic mid-length coat with oversize pockets holding two Siamese cats named Jay and Daisy.

Does your tomcat like to prowl? For the pussy who loves to perambulate, try gaucho pants and a Nehru jacket. Le chat? Your hat.

Want even more international flair? You’ll be catnip wearing a striped bandeau over matador pants. Un gato? Le chapeau.

Flabby tabby? Still look fabby. Snuggle Nacho in your cowl-neck sweater and wear over skinny jeans for a surprisingly slimming effect. Purrfection!

And finally, don’t be afraid to mix and match patterns. Argyle socks, a plaid skirt, and a herringbone sweater. Complete the look with a tortoiseshell cat named Mittens under your arm. For a touch more whimsy, try animal prints—tiger stripes!—and wear them with a tie-dye shirt covered with trippy-looking outer space cats. To take it up a notch, add a zip-up hoodie and stuff it with a litter of newborn kittens.

From street style to the catwalk, this is the look every cool cat craves for fall. Grab your kitty and get on trend. Right meow!

About E. R. Catalano

E. R. Catalano is a writer and mother of one evil mastermind living in Brooklyn, NY. She blogs about her daughter at Zoe vs. the Universe. She is a contributor to The Bigger Book of Parenting Tweets, and her humorous essays have appeared on Scary Mommy, In the Powder Room, and HaHas for Hoohahs. You can follow her on Twitter and on Facebook.

How To Write The Perfect Passive-Aggressive Note In 5 Easy Steps

How To Write The Perfect Passive-Aggressive Note In 5 Easy Steps

Let’s face it. The world is full of inconsiderate people. Folks who forget to mow their lawn on a daily basis. Parents who let their 13-year-old walk a block down the street unsupervised. People without an obvious disability using a handicap placard to get a better parking spot. How dare these people think they can get away with these transgressions?

These scum must be stopped.

Of course, you can’t just confront them. That means revealing yourself and having a conversation. That would be weird. We all know conversations must only take place in the comments section of Reddit.

Nope. You need to write a note. Preferably one that tells them how awful you think they are, but in the nicest way possible.

So gather up your finest stationery (can’t preach on any old scrap paper) and follow these tips for crafting the perfect anonymous note.

1. Begin with the right salutation

Dear Sir or Madame won’t do enough to convey your anger. You want to let them know you are mad; mad enough to leave a note on their windshield.

Try “Dear irresponsible mom who should never have had kids,” or “Greetings from someone who actually cares about home values.”

2. Make sure to let them know you’ve noticed this problem for a long time.

“I took a month off from my exotic pottery club to follow you to the supermarket and I noticed you enjoying the convenience of the handicap parking space.”

3. Add some form of a threat. Extra points for mentioning law enforcement.

“The next time I see your son walking alone, I’ll have no choice but to call child protective services.”

4. Include a little guilt.

“If you took some pride in your lawn, we might not be in this situation.”

5. Put a little flare in your closing.

Nothing says, “I think very poorly of you, but I don’t want to be rude” quite like the smiley face. In fact, you can just slap that right at the end of your note. It will really sink in that way.

Once your note is ready, sneakily place it on your target’s door/windshield and watch gleefully from behind a bush as they take in your verbal smackdown.

About Gail Hoffer-Loibl

Gail Hoffer-Loibl is a mother of two boys and the writer behind Maybe I’ll Shower Today. You can find her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Extreme Couponing: The Real Deal

Extreme Couponing: The Real Deal

In a MockMom exclusive, one woman gives us an inside look into the world of extreme couponing. Her story is so inspiring!

After binge watching Extreme Couponing on Netflix while my daughters were playing in the sandbox at the neighbor’s house (you know, the one with all the cats?) I said to myself “Hey! Why should those crazy bitches be the only ones to walk away with $300 worth of groceries for $2.75?”

I immediately went into action and bought me a laptop, printer, binder, inserts, a tub of post-it tabs, Microsoft Couponer 3.7 and a pair of sparkly purple scissors. All this for only $2,300!! I was SOOO gonna to save me some cash and be able to quit my job at the local DG.

I ain’t made of money so there ain’t no way I was gonna spend $2.00 on a newspaper just to get the coupon section. So I went to the dump on Thursday (the trash man goes through the rich neighborhood on Wednesday and we all know them hoity-toity type don’t coupon), dove into the heap, and gathered all the ads I could find with coupons in them. Would you believe that people will throw these things out just ’cause they have a little raw chicken soaked into them? I gathered up all the coupons I could find and even got me a new coffee cup while there; it only had half a handle but ain’t that all you need?

Once I got all the ads I snuck out past the security guard and to the road where I left my T-bird and headed to the house. I spread my loot on the table and started tabulatin’ and whatnot. Man, I scored big time when I grabbed them 27 Piggly Wiggly ads. It had a $1.00 off Powerade coupon in it! I also hit the jackpot with 22 coupons for $0.75 off cake mix and them are on sale for $1.35 apiece. With double coupons I am makin’ money on these! I then used my new computer to research which stores had what on sale and made a spreadsheet.

After 72 hours, I was ready to grocery shop and boy howdy was I nervous. I grabbed my rolling suitcase filled with coupons, my binders, a whistle, and two bottles of water in case I got dehydrated. I made my oldest daughter come with me to push the cart since my supplies took up half of one.

We got done in nearly four and a half hours and I hit my goal of spending under $10 at the Winn-Dixie! I am as excited as a fly on shit! I managed to get 15 tubes of toothpaste, 42 energy drinks, 16 boxes of pasta, 13 packs of gum, 27 cake mixes, 18 containers of cream of wheat, 14 cans of Vienna sausage, and 23 bottles of mustard.

Once we got home we had to find room for all the items we got so I ran out to K-Mart and got a metal shelving system complete with that thingy made for cans. I used a coupon (duh!) and only spent $57 on it!

It took me a few hours but I got the shelving system set up and all my treasures organized by type and expiration date. Good thing I had all those energy drinks to keep me going!

Then the kids started whining they were hungry so I opened up a few of them Vienna sausages and a bottle of mustard and called it dinner. Yee-haw, I was able to feed those two young’uns for nothing! As a treat, I gave them a box of cake mix and a Powerade and let them make a cake in that there new mug I found. They said it was right good. It’s a shame I got the sugar and can’t eat none of it.

I been up now for another 42 hours straight doing more couponing and downing these here energy drinks. I plan to move my girls out of their bedroom and into the pantry so I’ll have a bigger space to put all my freebies. I can fit a full size mattress in there with no problem. Did I tell you that I was able to score 1500 diapers at the Walgreen’s for $0.89? I don’t even have no baby!

I got to go head in to work to put in some overtime to pay off the $4200 I spent in couponing supplies. Afterward me and Candy from next door are going to hit the Big Lots. I hear they got marshmallows on sale for a dollar a bag and I got me a bunch of coupons for it. Good thing I have those 62 tubes of toothpaste cause I ain’t takin’ them to the dentist. They don’t take coupons there.

Moms Arrested For Drag Racing Minivans in School Zone

Moms Arrested For Drag Racing Minivans in School Zone

At 2:37 pm on Friday, Mrs. Elizabeth “Liz” Stewart and Mrs. Staci Lee were arrested for speeding, reckless endangerment, and DUI (to be confirmed).

“I was walking to the street to assist directing traffic at the school pick-up line and heard tires squealing and smelled burnt rubber.” witness and school volunteer Renee Fisk reported. “Next thing I know, two minivans were barreling toward me while obscenities were being screamed out the windows. I always knew Staci was a little wild, but I expected better of Liz. I mean she is the PTA treasurer!”

Tire tracks spanning a quarter of a mile show evidence of the race. Police were already at the school and were quickly able to get the situation stopped before anyone got hurt. Both ladies were removed from their vehicles and failed the DUI test. Mrs Stewart, wearing yoga pants and running shoes, was slurring her words and was unable to walk in a straight line. Mrs. Lee, wearing a cocktail dress and five-inch heels, was equally unable to walk in a straight line; however the police ordered a blood test to definitively determine her sobriety as no one can walk properly in heels like that.

“We were at a mutual friend’s house and Staci just wouldn’t stop talking about her new van that her husband bought for her. She was going on and on about the heated leather seats, automatic doors, and tailgate; she just wouldn’t shut up. She is always bragging about everything they have. It was just another way for her to show off to all of us. She thought her van was so much better than mine, she didn’t realize this ol’ girl still has a lot of get up and go,” she said while fondly patting the hood of her 2003 Honda Odyssey. “She’s never had to work for a thing. Her husband is loaded; the only job that hussy has ever done involves a mouth or hand.” Mrs Stewart stated.

When asked whether she had been drinking, Mrs Stewart declared, “Hell yea I’ve been drinking! Anytime I have to spend more than 15 minutes near that pretentious bitch I slam down mimosas like they are water. I mean, did you see what that whore was wearing? She puts anything on her body that has the word “cock” in it!”

Mrs. Lee also gave a statement. “Liz is just jealous because she dated my husband before me and he broke it off when he met me. She needs to get over it. I am tired of her constantly judging me. Maybe if she were a little freakier in the bedroom she could get a man who could buy her a sweet van like mine,” she said while flipping her hair over her shoulder. “She has a cute body but she could stand some Botox and a boob job. Why rely on what God gave you when you can go to the doctor and get what you want? I don’t know why she always acts like we are competing. I mean, is it really a competition between her and I?” Mrs Lee asked while posing for the newspaper photographer. “And anyway, I totally won that race.”

The children of both ladies were mortified and caught rides home with their friend’s parents so as not to have to face their mothers. An eye witness overheard Mrs Stewart’s daughter state, “Mrs Lee’s new van is pretty sweet, but I would never tell my mom that.” Each child has a counseling session lined up at the local therapist.

After being bailed out by her husband, a physically restrained, and possibly still-drunk, Mrs. Stewart hollered out at Mrs Lee who was being bailed out by her tennis coach: “Hey Staci! See you next Tuesday. Bitch!”

About Gina Ballentine

Gina is a wife, mother, and terrible maid pushing paper by day and sweeping crumbs at night. She has been featured on Mamalode.com, MrsMuffintop.com, and Bon Bon Break to name a few. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

Knitters Versus Crocheters: Can There Be Peace?

Knitters Versus Crocheters: Can There Be Peace?

Violence broke out today at a library in a suburb of Cincinnati, Ohio.

A room in the library used for holding club meetings was mistakenly booked for both the knitting club and the crocheting club at 7:00 pm on Tuesday.

Gladys Blount, president of the local chapter of ‘Knit or Die’ approached Selma Brockman of the ‘Crochet Rockets’ and told her to pack her skeins up and take off.

An eye witness claims that Selma didn’t bat an eye before shoving a 10mm crochet hook through Gladys’s quilted knitting bag, spilling the contents and ripping through the bag.

“Gladys had no choice but to jab Selma in the leg with her knitting needle. It was self defense,” said an unnamed bystander.

Violence seemed inevitable. Mary Jo Truax, an avid knitter, whipped out her shears and brandished them. “You don’t understand. This is my time. MY TIME. This is the only night I don’t have to help with homework that I don’t fucking understand. This is the only time that my husband has to make dinner. This is the only place I go EVER where no one calls me mommy. I will die before I give this up.”

Edna Pennington, head librarian, called the authorities and was able to defuse the situation before the authorities arrived. “I wear cat eye glasses, so everyone knows that makes me the meanest bitch here. I just told them that someone was going to lose an eye and they calmed down. I don’t mess around, yo.”

Officer Cuff was the first to arrive at the scene. “I’m not going to lie, I’ve been on the force for over 10 years and I did not feel good about this situation. The two groups of women seemed to be calm, but you could feel the tension in the air. One sarcastic remark about discount yarn and we would have been on our way to a full scale riot. People worry about gang violence. They just don’t consider these groups dangerous. They’d be terrified if they understood how brutal these women can be. If it were up to me, I would disband these clubs.”

He went on to ask his last remark be removed for fear over his personal safety.

We laughed and said ‘no’.

Edna Pennington offered to negotiate the safe departure of both groups. When asked why the women didn’t share the room, Edna had this to say: “Share the room? Are you insane? We will have peace in the Middle East before crocheters and knitters can occupy the same space.”

A brief squabble broke out between knitter Pamela Drisdale and crocheter Tilda McSwell. McSwell accused Drisdale of sneaking one of her snickerdoodles. Drisdale responded harshly, intimating that she would never eat baked goods made by hands that touch crochet hooks. Drisdale then brushed the crumbs from her old lady cleavage and walked away. McSwell told reporters, “I always bring two baker’s dozens of snickerdoodles. My snickerdoodles are always in demand. I saw that Drisdale women hovering around the cookie table and when I counted, there were only 25 cookies. Those knitter’s are savages who don’t understand that one doesn’t eat until snack time.”

Tensions began running high as the ‘cookie drama’ circulated through the two groups. Fortunately, Edna Pennington once again calmed the angry mob. “Ladies, The Macrame Marauders are due any minute now. Is this really a fight you want to continue?”

The two groups eyed each other up and down for a moment before grabbing their snacks and craft supply bags and hurrying out of the building amidst comments of “Fuck that, I’m out of here” and “Those macrame bitches are crazy.”

Edna Pennington crossed her arms and looked down her nose at the women as they retreated from the building. She sighed and told reporters, “No one appreciates the delicate negotiations I conduct on a weekly basis here. Knitters and crocheters are punk compared to those gluten free moms and the vegan shell painters.”

An ongoing investigation is underway to determine how the scheduling error happened in the first place. Until then, Edna Pennington says she will continue to ensure there is peace in the library.

About Michelle Poston Combs

Michelle Poston Combs can be found at her blog Rubber Shoes In Hell. Her work can also be found on The Huffington Post, Better After 50, The Mid and Scary Mommy. She had an essay in Jen Mann’s latest anthology, I Still Just Want To Pee Alone. She was also in the 2015 Indianapolis cast of Listen To Your Mother.

Atheist Family Hiding Behind Facade of Normalcy

Atheist Family Hiding Behind Facade of Normalcy

Hattiesburg resident Rosalie Blackburn reports that the family of avowed atheists next door are blithely continuing with their lives, seemingly unaware of the fiery torment they are destined to experience when Christ returns to rule on Earth.

“It’s mind-boggling,” says Blackburn, who tracks the family’s daily activities through her kitchen window. “They go to work every day. They come home and play with their children in the backyard. Yesterday, they were reading the younger boy books and coloring with chalk on the driveway.”

According to Blackburn, who has lived next to the evil, church-spurning family for two years, their apparent happy and healthy family life “defies logic.” She is “at a loss” to explain how the family carries on without espousing superstition and adhering to dogma.

Blackburn adds that although her neighbors appear to be kind and generous, she is confident that with continued vigilance she will uncover sufficient evidence to prove their existence completely amoral and ultimately meaningless.