The Vatican reported this morning that Pope Francis is ill.
His Holiness has recently drawn confused stares from the other members of the Holy See with controversial statements such as, “If a person is gay and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge them?” and “God has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ… Even the atheists.”
Atheists, by the way, are calling the Pope “dreamy”; gays are intrigued, but remain disdainful of his dated, monochromatic wardrobe choices.
Vatican spokesperson Thomas Rosica said that although the Pope appears healthy, his strange behavior indicates that he is afflicted with a rare and dangerous disease known as “compassion.”
“Nobody at the Vatican recognized what was wrong with him,” said Rosica. “Then one of the cardinals remembered he’d seen this kind of behavior once before. He correctly diagnosed His Holiness as having compassion compounded by a related affliction called ‘common sense.’”
A common treatment for Catholics with this disease involves being sprinkled with holy water and then force-fed Catholic doctrine along with a metric fuck-ton of communion wafers.
When asked to speculate on the Pope’s prognosis, Rosica said, “At this time, since His Holiness opposes both same-sex marriage and the ordination of women, it’s likely that he’s not too far gone and can be cured, hopefully before he infects others.”
Pope Francis has been resting comfortably without his fancy robes and tall Pope hat and has been abstaining from taking rides in the Popemobile until he can be examined by a medical professional.