How To Write The Perfect Passive-Aggressive Note In 5 Easy Steps

Let’s face it. The world is full of inconsiderate people. Folks who forget to mow their lawn on a daily basis. Parents who let their 13-year-old walk a block down the street unsupervised. People without an obvious disability using a handicap placard to get a better parking spot. How dare these people think they can get away with these transgressions?

These scum must be stopped.

Of course, you can’t just confront them. That means revealing yourself and having a conversation. That would be weird. We all know conversations must only take place in the comments section of Reddit.

Nope. You need to write a note. Preferably one that tells them how awful you think they are, but in the nicest way possible.

So gather up your finest stationery (can’t preach on any old scrap paper) and follow these tips for crafting the perfect anonymous note.

1. Begin with the right salutation

Dear Sir or Madame won’t do enough to convey your anger. You want to let them know you are mad; mad enough to leave a note on their windshield.

Try “Dear irresponsible mom who should never have had kids,” or “Greetings from someone who actually cares about home values.”

2. Make sure to let them know you’ve noticed this problem for a long time.

“I took a month off from my exotic pottery club to follow you to the supermarket and I noticed you enjoying the convenience of the handicap parking space.”

3. Add some form of a threat. Extra points for mentioning law enforcement.

“The next time I see your son walking alone, I’ll have no choice but to call child protective services.”

4. Include a little guilt.

“If you took some pride in your lawn, we might not be in this situation.”

5. Put a little flare in your closing.

Nothing says, “I think very poorly of you, but I don’t want to be rude” quite like the smiley face. In fact, you can just slap that right at the end of your note. It will really sink in that way.

Once your note is ready, sneakily place it on your target’s door/windshield and watch gleefully from behind a bush as they take in your verbal smackdown.

About Gail Hoffer-Loibl

Gail Hoffer-Loibl is a mother of two boys and the writer behind Maybe I’ll Shower Today. You can find her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Pumpkin Spice Personal Lubricant to Debut This Fall

Personal lubricant manufacturer EZGlide announced yesterday that a new pumpkin-oriented product will appear in stores this October.

Spicy Pumpkin personal lubricant will deliver the quality lubrication consumers have come to expect. “As always,” says a spokesperson for EZGlide, “it’s water-based, water-soluble, and condom-compatible, but with the subtle taste and smell of America’s favorite gourd.”

EZGlide reports that with each successive autumn, the company has been feeling pressure to meet the demands of an ever-growing pumpkin-obsessed public. “Those women buying pumpkin lattes, pumpkin muffin mix, pumpkin candles, and pumpkin body lotion need lube just like everyone else,” said a member of the company’s marketing team. “When fall hits, we want that part of our consumer base to think, ‘The weather’s getting colder; what I really need right now is a pumpkin-flavored cock.’”

While EZGlide doesn’t expect Spicy Pumpkin personal lubricant to do well with its male demographic, the company plans to rely on an inherently female weakness for pumpkin products coupled with an inherently male weakness for going along with anything that will get them laid.

Spicy Pumpkin Warming Liquid is slated to appear in fall 2016.