Local School District Considers Structuring Classrooms By Weight

Local School District Considers Structuring Classrooms By Weight

The Snooterson School District is considering a request by a local group of concerned mothers to separate students by weight.

Alyce Bryson, mother of two Helmsley Elementary students, said, “It’s not fair to our children to expect them to be bombarded with bad examples.” Bryson paused to smooth the hem of her tennis skirt. “My children work very hard to make good food choices and stay physically active. They understand that people who aren’t thin just aren’t as good as everyone else and have made it their passion to stay in top physical condition. How can they continue down the road to good health when they are surrounded by children whose parents don’t love them?”

When asked if she felt it was incendiary to suggest other parents don’t love their children, Bryson said, “It’s obvious, isn’t it? I mean, when you see children who are, well, I hesitate to use the word “fatties” because it’s just so hateful, but you know what I mean. A parent who loves their child would never allow their children to have over 8% body fat.We check body fat at our house every Tuesday and trust me, the kid who gets up to even 8.1% is going to lose their wheat grass smoothie treat for two weeks.”

When pressed to explain how the segregation would work, Bryson brightened and said, “We’ve found a way to make it fun for the kids. They’ll be in weight classes, like boxers. Kids like mine will be in a ‘featherweight’ room. Kids whose parents might love them but allow them occasional access to sugar and processed food will be in a ‘middleweight’ room. Children whose parents don’t love them, you know, the ones who eat fast food and have never run a single marathon, will be relegated to a ‘heavyweight’ room.”

Malissa Hurst, a neighbor of Ms. Bryson, added her take on the new classrooms. “I had no idea Alyce’s group was as straight up crazy as they are. First of all, this plan isn’t being implemented. The principal had to get a restraining order against Alyce and the only other people who still go to her meetings are her mother and her housekeeper who doesn’t speak English. I think she pays her housekeeper overtime to attend. Anyway, I dropped out of her group after the first meeting. She said it was a group dedicated to children’s health. Mostly, we had to listen to her talk incessantly about her kid’s grueling schedules. I warned her if she didn’t get the stick out of her ass that people would stop attending.”

When informed of Ms. Hurst’s comments, Ms Bryson retorted, “I DO have a stick up my ass when it comes to the issue of our children’s health. I have a huge, throbbing stick up my ass and I am proud of that stick. I believe in this. I am doing this for my children. I want them to be surrounded by the same beauty and dedication at school as they have at home. We all want is best for our children. I just don’t see how I could live with myself if I didn’t fight for this cause.”

Frank Johnson, Vice Principal at Helmsley Elementary declined to comment other than to dismiss Ms Bryson’s claim that her classroom by weight was being considered for implementation.

17079fc095d94d7e2fb86a9f8ea9ad8eAbout Michelle Poston Combs

Michelle Poston Combs can be found at her blog Rubber Shoes In Hell. Her work can also be found on The Huffington Post, Better After 50, The Mid and Scary Mommy. She had an essay in Jen Mann’s latest anthology, I Still Just Want To Pee Alone. She was also in the 2015 Indianapolis cast of Listen To Your Mother.

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