Tuesday afternoon in Millburn, New Jersey, 42-year-old Margot Schaeffer was caught dealing “unsavory” items outside the Glenwood Elementary School playground. She was found to be selling teeth to young children who were reportedly going to put them under their pillows in an effort to defraud the Tooth Fairy. We were unable to reach the Tooth Fairy for comment.
“I just wanted some extra cash!” Margot defended–against the advice of her lawyer. “Word in the mom’s group was that they were putting out $10 and $20 for teeth these days! TWENTY DOLLARS!!
I put fifty cents under my kids pillows! Anyway, I figured if those little shits were getting $20 a pop, they’d easily cough up $5 or more for one.”
Her plan was to sell enough teeth to get herself a nice pedicure.
“I was looking through my sock drawer when I came across a bunch of old teeth that my older boy lost a year or two ago. They were just sitting there in little baggies, doing nothing! What’s so bad about trying to make a few bucks? I ain’t hurting anyone!”
The FBI and the Health Department have been called in on the case since the teeth technically qualify as medical waste. The FBI is still trying to determine whether or not the teeth fall under the statutes that govern the sale of human body parts. No one from the FBI could be reached for comment.
Mrs. Schaeffer’s illicit actions were discovered when a bidding war broke out between two students over a fresh tooth she collected just that morning from under her younger son’s pillow. Mrs. Schaeffer explained, “I tried to tell them that he has three more loose ones right now but neither of them wanted to wait. I guess it got a little heated.”
A third student reported the activity to the playground aide who–in an unprecedented move–took action and called down to the office to report the matter. The authorities were called and Mrs. Schaeffer was taken into custody immediately. Mr. Schaeffer and the Schaeffer children declined to comment aside from 16-year-old Lindsay Schaeffer’s exclamation of “Gross!” accompanied by a vicious eye roll.