At 2:37 pm on Friday, Mrs. Elizabeth “Liz” Stewart and Mrs. Staci Lee were arrested for speeding, reckless endangerment, and DUI (to be confirmed).
“I was walking to the street to assist directing traffic at the school pick-up line and heard tires squealing and smelled burnt rubber.” witness and school volunteer Renee Fisk reported. “Next thing I know, two minivans were barreling toward me while obscenities were being screamed out the windows. I always knew Staci was a little wild, but I expected better of Liz. I mean she is the PTA treasurer!”
Tire tracks spanning a quarter of a mile show evidence of the race. Police were already at the school and were quickly able to get the situation stopped before anyone got hurt. Both ladies were removed from their vehicles and failed the DUI test. Mrs Stewart, wearing yoga pants and running shoes, was slurring her words and was unable to walk in a straight line. Mrs. Lee, wearing a cocktail dress and five-inch heels, was equally unable to walk in a straight line; however the police ordered a blood test to definitively determine her sobriety as no one can walk properly in heels like that.
“We were at a mutual friend’s house and Staci just wouldn’t stop talking about her new van that her husband bought for her. She was going on and on about the heated leather seats, automatic doors, and tailgate; she just wouldn’t shut up. She is always bragging about everything they have. It was just another way for her to show off to all of us. She thought her van was so much better than mine, she didn’t realize this ol’ girl still has a lot of get up and go,” she said while fondly patting the hood of her 2003 Honda Odyssey. “She’s never had to work for a thing. Her husband is loaded; the only job that hussy has ever done involves a mouth or hand.” Mrs Stewart stated.
When asked whether she had been drinking, Mrs Stewart declared, “Hell yea I’ve been drinking! Anytime I have to spend more than 15 minutes near that pretentious bitch I slam down mimosas like they are water. I mean, did you see what that whore was wearing? She puts anything on her body that has the word “cock” in it!”
Mrs. Lee also gave a statement. “Liz is just jealous because she dated my husband before me and he broke it off when he met me. She needs to get over it. I am tired of her constantly judging me. Maybe if she were a little freakier in the bedroom she could get a man who could buy her a sweet van like mine,” she said while flipping her hair over her shoulder. “She has a cute body but she could stand some Botox and a boob job. Why rely on what God gave you when you can go to the doctor and get what you want? I don’t know why she always acts like we are competing. I mean, is it really a competition between her and I?” Mrs Lee asked while posing for the newspaper photographer. “And anyway, I totally won that race.”
The children of both ladies were mortified and caught rides home with their friend’s parents so as not to have to face their mothers. An eye witness overheard Mrs Stewart’s daughter state, “Mrs Lee’s new van is pretty sweet, but I would never tell my mom that.” Each child has a counseling session lined up at the local therapist.
After being bailed out by her husband, a physically restrained, and possibly still-drunk, Mrs. Stewart hollered out at Mrs Lee who was being bailed out by her tennis coach: “Hey Staci! See you next Tuesday. Bitch!”