70% of Moms of Boys are Big Fat Poopy Butts

A recent study by the Society for Gender Studies reveals that mothers of boys are more disgusting than non-mothers or mothers of girls.

“There’s a big gender disparity,” says Dr. Gerald Plotz, head researcher with the SGS. Of the moms surveyed, 70% of boy moms were found to be “big fat poopy butts,” Plotz reports. Nineteen percent were some iteration of “poopy face,” 8% were “giant fartblasters,” and the remaining 3% identified as “unspecified anus-related monstrosity.”

The study also shows that it is common for moms of boys to transition very quickly between identities. One mother surveyed began as a “poopy butt” and morphed over the course of a quarter of an hour into a “big fat poopy butt,” a “big fat poopy butt in space,” and a “big fat poopy butt in poopy butt space.”

“It happened so fast, I could barely keep up,” said Karen Barker, whose 3-year-old son Jax is gifted with a finely honed sense of hyperbole and a shit obsession. “Sometimes I don’t know who I am anymore, but if I start to forget, my son will quickly remind me.”

Although the shifting identities can be confusing and degrading, they’re totally normal, and you’re not alone, says Dr. Plotz.

“I’m actually relieved by the findings,” stated Kim Marconi, mom of three boys. “I was starting to lose my mind. Last week, I wrote ‘Turd Fingers’ on a credit card application.”

About Abby Byrd

Abby Byrd mothers, frets, writes, teaches, and corrects other people’s grammar in an undisclosed location on the East coast of the United States of America. Her work has appeared on Scary Mommy, BLUNTMoms, Mamalode, In The Powder Room, The Mid, and The Good Men Project, and in two anthologies. She is working on a memoir about her decade-long search for a partner and why correct use of the semicolon may not be the most important quality in a mate. Follow her on Twitter, on Facebook, and at her blog, Little Miss Perfect

Teen Trends: The Kim Kardashian Butt Challenge

Experts are warning parents to be on the lookout for the latest dangerous teen trend, the Kim Kardashian Butt Challenge.

What Is It?

Most parents have heard about the Kylie Jenner Lip Challenge, in which teens attempt to make their lips swell by putting their mouths into the opening of a shot glass and sucking in, creating a vacuum. However, parents shouldn’t underestimate the Kardashian posterior, which continues to captivate America’s youth, say experts. Young girls are now challenging one another to increase cheek size by applying suction to the buttocks, typically with a vacuum cleaner attachment or toilet plunger. Since the challenge is difficult to implement alone, girls frequently attempt it in partners or groups, some even arranging “butt suck parties.”

The Dangers

The effects of the Kim Kardashian Butt Challenge depend on how long suction is applied to the buttocks. Most teens will experience mild to moderate gluteal bruising. Long-term effects include scarring, permanent disfigurement, utter self-absorption, owning a pair of shorts with the word “Bootylicious” emblazoned on the butt, and procreating with Kanye West.

Who is at Risk?

A girl is at greatest risk if she

  • Has a thin frame
  • Is white
  • Has low self-esteem
  • Has been exposed to “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” on E!

Warning Signs

Take immediate action if your child:

  • Frequently looks critically in mirrors at her own backside
  • Winces when sitting down, prefers to stand, or requests one of those squishy butt donuts given to sufferers of broken tailbones
  • Shows a greater-than-usual interest in vacuuming or plunging toilets
  • Hoards the plunger or vacuum in her room for long periods, claiming to be “cleaning”
  • Pressures you to buy a Dyson

Experts note that boys who hoard the vacuum may be attempting the Liam Neeson Dick Challenge, which is toooootally different but equally dangerous.

Extreme Couponing: The Real Deal

In a MockMom exclusive, one woman gives us an inside look into the world of extreme couponing. Her story is so inspiring!

After binge watching Extreme Couponing on Netflix while my daughters were playing in the sandbox at the neighbor’s house (you know, the one with all the cats?) I said to myself “Hey! Why should those crazy bitches be the only ones to walk away with $300 worth of groceries for $2.75?”

I immediately went into action and bought me a laptop, printer, binder, inserts, a tub of post-it tabs, Microsoft Couponer 3.7 and a pair of sparkly purple scissors. All this for only $2,300!! I was SOOO gonna to save me some cash and be able to quit my job at the local DG.

I ain’t made of money so there ain’t no way I was gonna spend $2.00 on a newspaper just to get the coupon section. So I went to the dump on Thursday (the trash man goes through the rich neighborhood on Wednesday and we all know them hoity-toity type don’t coupon), dove into the heap, and gathered all the ads I could find with coupons in them. Would you believe that people will throw these things out just ’cause they have a little raw chicken soaked into them? I gathered up all the coupons I could find and even got me a new coffee cup while there; it only had half a handle but ain’t that all you need?

Once I got all the ads I snuck out past the security guard and to the road where I left my T-bird and headed to the house. I spread my loot on the table and started tabulatin’ and whatnot. Man, I scored big time when I grabbed them 27 Piggly Wiggly ads. It had a $1.00 off Powerade coupon in it! I also hit the jackpot with 22 coupons for $0.75 off cake mix and them are on sale for $1.35 apiece. With double coupons I am makin’ money on these! I then used my new computer to research which stores had what on sale and made a spreadsheet.

After 72 hours, I was ready to grocery shop and boy howdy was I nervous. I grabbed my rolling suitcase filled with coupons, my binders, a whistle, and two bottles of water in case I got dehydrated. I made my oldest daughter come with me to push the cart since my supplies took up half of one.

We got done in nearly four and a half hours and I hit my goal of spending under $10 at the Winn-Dixie! I am as excited as a fly on shit! I managed to get 15 tubes of toothpaste, 42 energy drinks, 16 boxes of pasta, 13 packs of gum, 27 cake mixes, 18 containers of cream of wheat, 14 cans of Vienna sausage, and 23 bottles of mustard.

Once we got home we had to find room for all the items we got so I ran out to K-Mart and got a metal shelving system complete with that thingy made for cans. I used a coupon (duh!) and only spent $57 on it!

It took me a few hours but I got the shelving system set up and all my treasures organized by type and expiration date. Good thing I had all those energy drinks to keep me going!

Then the kids started whining they were hungry so I opened up a few of them Vienna sausages and a bottle of mustard and called it dinner. Yee-haw, I was able to feed those two young’uns for nothing! As a treat, I gave them a box of cake mix and a Powerade and let them make a cake in that there new mug I found. They said it was right good. It’s a shame I got the sugar and can’t eat none of it.

I been up now for another 42 hours straight doing more couponing and downing these here energy drinks. I plan to move my girls out of their bedroom and into the pantry so I’ll have a bigger space to put all my freebies. I can fit a full size mattress in there with no problem. Did I tell you that I was able to score 1500 diapers at the Walgreen’s for $0.89? I don’t even have no baby!

I got to go head in to work to put in some overtime to pay off the $4200 I spent in couponing supplies. Afterward me and Candy from next door are going to hit the Big Lots. I hear they got marshmallows on sale for a dollar a bag and I got me a bunch of coupons for it. Good thing I have those 62 tubes of toothpaste cause I ain’t takin’ them to the dentist. They don’t take coupons there.

Moms Arrested For Drag Racing Minivans in School Zone

At 2:37 pm on Friday, Mrs. Elizabeth “Liz” Stewart and Mrs. Staci Lee were arrested for speeding, reckless endangerment, and DUI (to be confirmed).

“I was walking to the street to assist directing traffic at the school pick-up line and heard tires squealing and smelled burnt rubber.” witness and school volunteer Renee Fisk reported. “Next thing I know, two minivans were barreling toward me while obscenities were being screamed out the windows. I always knew Staci was a little wild, but I expected better of Liz. I mean she is the PTA treasurer!”

Tire tracks spanning a quarter of a mile show evidence of the race. Police were already at the school and were quickly able to get the situation stopped before anyone got hurt. Both ladies were removed from their vehicles and failed the DUI test. Mrs Stewart, wearing yoga pants and running shoes, was slurring her words and was unable to walk in a straight line. Mrs. Lee, wearing a cocktail dress and five-inch heels, was equally unable to walk in a straight line; however the police ordered a blood test to definitively determine her sobriety as no one can walk properly in heels like that.

“We were at a mutual friend’s house and Staci just wouldn’t stop talking about her new van that her husband bought for her. She was going on and on about the heated leather seats, automatic doors, and tailgate; she just wouldn’t shut up. She is always bragging about everything they have. It was just another way for her to show off to all of us. She thought her van was so much better than mine, she didn’t realize this ol’ girl still has a lot of get up and go,” she said while fondly patting the hood of her 2003 Honda Odyssey. “She’s never had to work for a thing. Her husband is loaded; the only job that hussy has ever done involves a mouth or hand.” Mrs Stewart stated.

When asked whether she had been drinking, Mrs Stewart declared, “Hell yea I’ve been drinking! Anytime I have to spend more than 15 minutes near that pretentious bitch I slam down mimosas like they are water. I mean, did you see what that whore was wearing? She puts anything on her body that has the word “cock” in it!”

Mrs. Lee also gave a statement. “Liz is just jealous because she dated my husband before me and he broke it off when he met me. She needs to get over it. I am tired of her constantly judging me. Maybe if she were a little freakier in the bedroom she could get a man who could buy her a sweet van like mine,” she said while flipping her hair over her shoulder. “She has a cute body but she could stand some Botox and a boob job. Why rely on what God gave you when you can go to the doctor and get what you want? I don’t know why she always acts like we are competing. I mean, is it really a competition between her and I?” Mrs Lee asked while posing for the newspaper photographer. “And anyway, I totally won that race.”

The children of both ladies were mortified and caught rides home with their friend’s parents so as not to have to face their mothers. An eye witness overheard Mrs Stewart’s daughter state, “Mrs Lee’s new van is pretty sweet, but I would never tell my mom that.” Each child has a counseling session lined up at the local therapist.

After being bailed out by her husband, a physically restrained, and possibly still-drunk, Mrs. Stewart hollered out at Mrs Lee who was being bailed out by her tennis coach: “Hey Staci! See you next Tuesday. Bitch!”

About Gina Ballentine

Gina is a wife, mother, and terrible maid pushing paper by day and sweeping crumbs at night. She has been featured on Mamalode.com, MrsMuffintop.com, and Bon Bon Break to name a few. Follow her on Facebook and Twitter.

Mom Caught Dealing on School Grounds

Tuesday afternoon in Millburn, New Jersey, 42-year-old Margot Schaeffer was caught dealing “unsavory” items outside the Glenwood Elementary School playground. She was found to be selling teeth to young children who were reportedly going to put them under their pillows in an effort to defraud the Tooth Fairy.  We were unable to reach the Tooth Fairy for comment.

“I just wanted some extra cash!” Margot defended–against the advice of her lawyer. “Word in the mom’s group was that they were putting out $10 and $20 for teeth these days! TWENTY DOLLARS!!

I put fifty cents under my kids pillows! Anyway, I figured if those little shits were getting $20 a pop, they’d easily cough up $5 or more for one.”

Her plan was to sell enough teeth to get herself a nice pedicure.

“I was looking through my sock drawer when I came across a bunch of old teeth that my older boy lost a year or two ago. They were just sitting there in little baggies, doing nothing! What’s so bad about trying to make a few bucks? I ain’t hurting anyone!”

The FBI and the Health Department have been called in on the case since the teeth technically qualify as medical waste. The FBI is still trying to determine whether or not the teeth fall under the statutes that govern the sale of human body parts.  No one from the FBI could be reached for comment.

Mrs. Schaeffer’s illicit actions were discovered when a bidding war broke out between two students over a fresh tooth she collected just that morning from under her younger son’s pillow. Mrs. Schaeffer explained, “I tried to tell them that he has three more loose ones right now but neither of them wanted to wait. I guess it got a little heated.”

A third student reported the activity to the playground aide who–in an unprecedented move–took action and called down to the office to report the matter. The authorities were called and Mrs. Schaeffer was taken into custody immediately. Mr. Schaeffer and the Schaeffer children declined to comment aside from 16-year-old Lindsay Schaeffer’s exclamation of “Gross!” accompanied by a vicious eye roll.

About Melanie Madamba

Melanie Madamba is The NotsoSuperMom: forever nerd, mother of three, and coffee addict. Not to be confused with a Super Mom or anyone else who seems to have it together. She writes to escape the laundry and to pretend someone is listening to her. If you are trying to avoid your laundry, you can kill some time checking her out on Facebook, Pinterest or the Twitter.

Pumpkin Spice Personal Lubricant to Debut This Fall

Personal lubricant manufacturer EZGlide announced yesterday that a new pumpkin-oriented product will appear in stores this October.

Spicy Pumpkin personal lubricant will deliver the quality lubrication consumers have come to expect. “As always,” says a spokesperson for EZGlide, “it’s water-based, water-soluble, and condom-compatible, but with the subtle taste and smell of America’s favorite gourd.”

EZGlide reports that with each successive autumn, the company has been feeling pressure to meet the demands of an ever-growing pumpkin-obsessed public. “Those women buying pumpkin lattes, pumpkin muffin mix, pumpkin candles, and pumpkin body lotion need lube just like everyone else,” said a member of the company’s marketing team. “When fall hits, we want that part of our consumer base to think, ‘The weather’s getting colder; what I really need right now is a pumpkin-flavored cock.’”

While EZGlide doesn’t expect Spicy Pumpkin personal lubricant to do well with its male demographic, the company plans to rely on an inherently female weakness for pumpkin products coupled with an inherently male weakness for going along with anything that will get them laid.

Spicy Pumpkin Warming Liquid is slated to appear in fall 2016.

Pope Suffering From Rare and Dangerous Disease Called Compassion

The Vatican reported this morning that Pope Francis is ill.

His Holiness has recently drawn confused stares from the other members of the Holy See with controversial statements such as, “If a person is gay and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge them?” and “God has redeemed all of us, all of us, with the Blood of Christ… Even the atheists.”

Atheists, by the way, are calling the Pope “dreamy”; gays are intrigued, but remain disdainful of his dated, monochromatic wardrobe choices.

Vatican spokesperson Thomas Rosica said that although the Pope appears healthy, his strange behavior indicates that he is afflicted with a rare and dangerous disease known as “compassion.”

“Nobody at the Vatican recognized what was wrong with him,” said Rosica. “Then one of the cardinals remembered he’d seen this kind of behavior once before. He correctly diagnosed His Holiness as having compassion compounded by a related affliction called ‘common sense.’”

A common treatment for Catholics with this disease involves being sprinkled with holy water and then force-fed Catholic doctrine along with a metric fuck-ton of communion wafers.

When asked to speculate on the Pope’s prognosis, Rosica said, “At this time, since His Holiness opposes both same-sex marriage and the ordination of women, it’s likely that he’s not too far gone and can be cured, hopefully before he infects others.”

Pope Francis has been resting comfortably without his fancy robes and tall Pope hat and has been abstaining from taking rides in the Popemobile until he can be examined by a medical professional.

Failure to Share Back-To-School Photos Gets Parents Banned from PTA

“I was in so much shock, I had to read it twice,” said Jane McGreeley, 42, of Dayton, Ohio, in response to an angry email she and her husband, Brian McGreeley, 47, received from their local Parent Teachers Association.

The email, sent by Darlene Dawson, president of the Meadow Valley Elementary PTA, called out the McGreeleys’ failure to share back-to-school photos of their two children (names withheld) on Facebook and Instagram.

“Your blatant disregard for your children is evident by your inaction,” Dawson wrote. “We have no choice but to ban you from participating in our Parent Teachers Association until further notice.

For Jane McGreeley, who was in charge of the PTA’s annual brownie sale, this was a tough blow. Mr. McGreeley, who lead the school’s casino night fundraiser was also affected by the news.

A respected visual effects artist, McGreeley is  known to produce elaborate videos to showcase family milestones. His daughter’s birth announcement was screened at Sundance and went on to receive several accolades including an Oscar nomination for best documentary short.

When asked why he and his wife decided not to make a big deal out of their kids’ return to school, McGreeley responded, “I guess we just weren’t feeling it this year.”

The McGreeleys’ decision affected more than just the PTA.

Holly Smith, a neighbor and family friend, was concerned when her Facebook feed was devoid of any back-to-school photos of the McGreeley children.

“I thought maybe they decided to homeschool this year. They are pretty hippyish. They drive a hybrid, after all.”

The McGreeleys attempts to appeal the PTA’s decision have failed thus far. The Meadow Valley PTA is notorious for its strict policies; something former member Cynthia Fern knows all too well.

“One time I brought only vanilla cupcakes to the bake sale, and that was all it took. I now drop my kid off two blocks away out off shame.”

When asked to comment on the PTA’s policies, and the McGreeley case specifically, Dawson said, “We all know that a well-crafted back-to-school photo complete with chalkboard declaring the child’s desire to become a My Little Pony or Spider-Man is essential to ensuring they become productive members of society. We don’t want to work with parents who have so little regard for their kids future.”

Though she is now a social pariah, Mrs. McGreeley sees the positive side of her situation.

“The PTA took up so much of my time. Now, I’m free to pursue my other passions, motocross and extreme couponing.”

About Gail Hoffer-Loibl

Gail Hoffer-Loibl is a mother of two boys and the writer behind Maybe I’ll Shower Today. You can find her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Youngest Person Ever to Appear on Hoarders

This past week a source at TLC leaked information regarding an upcoming episode of their hugely popular show, Hoarders.

The youngest person ever to be featured on the show is a 4 year old from South central Pennsylvania named Valerie Parker. Her mother contacted the show after realizing that Valerie had a serious problem with “letting go.” Whether it be clothes, toys or even empty fruit snack wrappers, little Val throws a fit when it comes to getting rid of things.

“At first we thought it was cute. She liked to collect things,” noted Valerie’s mother. “Then we noticed that her collections were getting quite large and when we felt it was time to pass things on–you know, old baby toys, outgrown clothes–she really threw a fit. I was fine with the Barbies and the Legos, but the snack trash and sippy cups were becoming unacceptable. And the amount of stuffed animals we have. Beanie babies and Webkins…” Mrs. Parker trailed off before breaking down in tears.
Mr. Parker reportedly tried sneaking things into garbage bags one night while Valerie was sleeping. That backfired on him when Valerie woke up the next morning and asked for specific items from the bag such as a ratty old baby blanket that she hadn’t touched in weeks and a “very special” My Little Pony Happy Meal toy from McDonald’s that Mrs. Parker found under the couch that evening. Now fearing the loss of more possessions, the girl hardly sleeps at all and when she does, it’s only on top of a large pile of toys and clothing.
“I guess we’re somewhat to blame,” admits Mrs. Parker. “Christmas, birthday presents, gifts from the Tooth Fairy, trips to Target–including obligatory stops at the Dollar Spot. We really try not to spoil her, but, well, she’s so cute when your’e not trying to take her things away, and she asks so nicely for everything, it’s hard not to buy her things. It’s difficult when you are so good at finding the perfect gifts! Every time she would open a present she would tell us that it was exactly what she always wanted!”
Valerie is the youngest of three children, so many of her toys have been passed down from her older siblings. “She got so many hand-me-downs that we wanted her to have some new things,” Mrs. Parker rationalized. She also shamefully admits that there may have been some incidents of bribing that exacerbated the issue.
Grandparents and aunts and uncles have admittedly contributed to the problem as well. Members of the extended family declined comment fearing a backlash from other children in the family who are actually jealous of Valerie’s massive hoard and a situation that they perceive as “unfair.”
Mrs. Parker has made efforts to explain to Valerie that they are running out of room to keep everything and that she should only keep the things that are special to her. Valerie emphatically insisted that “EVERYTHING IS SPECIAL!”
Mrs. Parker tried to rationalize with, “If everything is special than nothing is special. It’s all the same!”
Valerie retorted, “Yes! It’s all the same and it’s all SPECIAL!”
One of the show’s psychologists explains that this is a phenomenon called Toddler Logic and it is impossible to break. Rational thinking is simply not effective with a child of this age.
TLC is reportedly planning on airing the episode early in 2016. There have been rumors that advertisers are unwilling to buy airtime unless the show airs after the Holiday season, citing concerns of a decine in the rampant consumerism they have come to depend on at that time of year. An anonymous source from a major toy retailer claims that they are worried that other parents will be afraid that this could happen to their child and that they will curb Holiday spending as a result. Our source at TLC would not confirm that information.
As for little Valerie, she is rumored to be in “after-care” therapy since the filming of her episode; as is Mrs. Parker who was removed from the home to be placed in an inpatient recovery facility. She reportedly yelled, “At least we didn’t have a house full of rat shit!” at gawking reporters who have been camped outside her home since the news leak.
It is suspected that both Valerie and her mother will be in therapy for quite some time before they can resume a normal life without so much stuff.

About Melanie Madamba

Melanie Madamba is The NotsoSuperMom: forever nerd, mother of three, and coffee addict. Not to be confused with a Super Mom or anyone else who seems to have it together. She writes to escape the laundry and to pretend someone is listening to her. If you are trying to avoid your laundry, you can kill some time checking her out on Facebook, Pinterest or the Twitter.

Local Woman Supports Toilet Paper Public School Ban

Tireless digestive health campaigner, Jennifer Simmons-Adler, spoke today with reporters regarding her controversial proposal to eliminate toilet paper from public schools in her district.

Ms. Simmons-Adler’s stated goal is “to not deprive the children of toilet paper. Not at all. I want to eliminate toilet paper as a way to better enable them to choose a diet that will eliminate the need for toilet paper.”

Disbelieving reporters pressed Ms. Simmons-Adler for more information about her overall plan to remove toilet paper from public schools.

Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “Any child who doesn’t ‘poop clean’ obviously is in desperate need of a dietitian. I am appalled that parents don’t monitor their children’s poop. No human should ever need toilet paper. Any person who eats the proper amount of fiber from grains and organic fruits and vegetable knows this. Parents who have children who need toilet paper disgust me. If they aren’t going to properly feed their children then they should be prosecuted for neglect. It’s abuse, pure and simple. Parents like that are no better than those parents who allow their children to watch television for more than 30 minutes a week.”

When asked whether or not children not being allowed to wipe their asses would pose a health problem, Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “Having children who consistently have watery or sticky bowel movements is a much bigger health problem. It’s an epidemic and I am astounded that the media hasn’t been covering this issue. Going toilet paper free is not only good for the children, but eliminating the need for toilet paper helps the environment as well. We must save the trees. I understand that people are going to be resistant at first and I’m sure that in the beginning the schools will have to endure the smell of WOA.”

When asked to define WOA, Ms. Simmons-Adler looked uncomfortable and said, “I don’t really like saying the ‘a’ word.” Simmons-Adler stopped a moment and displayed a smug face. She continued by saying, “WOA stands for ‘wide open ass’. WOA is actually a useful tool. WOA will allow school personnel to quickly identify those children in need just by smell. With a proper diet, that will clear up quickly. And people should consider the cost savings benefit. We’ve saved enough money by not paying toilet paper to be able to afford apples and quinoa from the organic grocery store for an entire three weeks.”

After pausing to nibble on celery, Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “I haven’t used a single square of toilet paper in over 10 years. Personally, I’m stunned that they still advertise toilet paper on television. How can they justify banning cigarette ads and still allow ads showing cute little teddy bears selling a product that promotes a lifestyle which is killing our children by the score?”

When queried about her campaign’s progress, Ms. Simmons-Adler frowned and said, “Not as smoothly as I hoped. You know, you see your vision and it’s solid, yet fluid, and then when you try to implement it, then your vision gets foamy and splatters out of control. But I am committed to this cause. I will be number one. Number two is not acceptable.”

Local PTA head Sondra Wellington, when asked her thoughts of Simmons-Adler’s campaign to rid the schools of the toilet paper scourge, said, “Bitch is straight up crazy. She keeps showing up at our meetings and throwing rolls of toilet paper and screaming about clean poop and how we’re all child abusers. We have tried to start a dialogue with her, but quite frankly, it gets nowhere. She’s missing a few Ohs from her Spaghettios if you get what I’m saying.”

About Michelle Poston Combs

Michelle Poston Combs can be found at her blog Rubber Shoes In Hell. Her work can also be found on The Huffington Post, Better After 50, The Mid and Scary Mommy. She had an essay in Jen Mann’s latest anthology, I Still Just Want To Pee Alone. She was also in the 2015 Indianapolis cast of Listen To Your Mother.