Knitters Versus Crocheters: Can There Be Peace?

Violence broke out today at a library in a suburb of Cincinnati, Ohio.

A room in the library used for holding club meetings was mistakenly booked for both the knitting club and the crocheting club at 7:00 pm on Tuesday.

Gladys Blount, president of the local chapter of ‘Knit or Die’ approached Selma Brockman of the ‘Crochet Rockets’ and told her to pack her skeins up and take off.

An eye witness claims that Selma didn’t bat an eye before shoving a 10mm crochet hook through Gladys’s quilted knitting bag, spilling the contents and ripping through the bag.

“Gladys had no choice but to jab Selma in the leg with her knitting needle. It was self defense,” said an unnamed bystander.

Violence seemed inevitable. Mary Jo Truax, an avid knitter, whipped out her shears and brandished them. “You don’t understand. This is my time. MY TIME. This is the only night I don’t have to help with homework that I don’t fucking understand. This is the only time that my husband has to make dinner. This is the only place I go EVER where no one calls me mommy. I will die before I give this up.”

Edna Pennington, head librarian, called the authorities and was able to defuse the situation before the authorities arrived. “I wear cat eye glasses, so everyone knows that makes me the meanest bitch here. I just told them that someone was going to lose an eye and they calmed down. I don’t mess around, yo.”

Officer Cuff was the first to arrive at the scene. “I’m not going to lie, I’ve been on the force for over 10 years and I did not feel good about this situation. The two groups of women seemed to be calm, but you could feel the tension in the air. One sarcastic remark about discount yarn and we would have been on our way to a full scale riot. People worry about gang violence. They just don’t consider these groups dangerous. They’d be terrified if they understood how brutal these women can be. If it were up to me, I would disband these clubs.”

He went on to ask his last remark be removed for fear over his personal safety.

We laughed and said ‘no’.

Edna Pennington offered to negotiate the safe departure of both groups. When asked why the women didn’t share the room, Edna had this to say: “Share the room? Are you insane? We will have peace in the Middle East before crocheters and knitters can occupy the same space.”

A brief squabble broke out between knitter Pamela Drisdale and crocheter Tilda McSwell. McSwell accused Drisdale of sneaking one of her snickerdoodles. Drisdale responded harshly, intimating that she would never eat baked goods made by hands that touch crochet hooks. Drisdale then brushed the crumbs from her old lady cleavage and walked away. McSwell told reporters, “I always bring two baker’s dozens of snickerdoodles. My snickerdoodles are always in demand. I saw that Drisdale women hovering around the cookie table and when I counted, there were only 25 cookies. Those knitter’s are savages who don’t understand that one doesn’t eat until snack time.”

Tensions began running high as the ‘cookie drama’ circulated through the two groups. Fortunately, Edna Pennington once again calmed the angry mob. “Ladies, The Macrame Marauders are due any minute now. Is this really a fight you want to continue?”

The two groups eyed each other up and down for a moment before grabbing their snacks and craft supply bags and hurrying out of the building amidst comments of “Fuck that, I’m out of here” and “Those macrame bitches are crazy.”

Edna Pennington crossed her arms and looked down her nose at the women as they retreated from the building. She sighed and told reporters, “No one appreciates the delicate negotiations I conduct on a weekly basis here. Knitters and crocheters are punk compared to those gluten free moms and the vegan shell painters.”

An ongoing investigation is underway to determine how the scheduling error happened in the first place. Until then, Edna Pennington says she will continue to ensure there is peace in the library.

About Michelle Poston Combs

Michelle Poston Combs can be found at her blog Rubber Shoes In Hell. Her work can also be found on The Huffington Post, Better After 50, The Mid and Scary Mommy. She had an essay in Jen Mann’s latest anthology, I Still Just Want To Pee Alone. She was also in the 2015 Indianapolis cast of Listen To Your Mother.

Woman Fights To Give Her Kids Richer Sounding Names

Gwendolyn Kensington-Cross, formerly Candy Gail Jenkins, petitioned the court today to have her children’s names legally changed.

Her son, Tucker Wayne, is 11-years-old and says he doesn’t want to change his name. Her daughter, Misty Dawn, age 13, says she is willing to have her name changed but only if she can be called Destiny Alexa.

Ms. Kensington-Cross explained to the court that her husband recently had great success with a business venture and it enabled them to move to a more affluent neighborhood. While she was grateful for the opportunities this opened up for her children, she feared that their names would hold them back.

“I knew something had to be done,” Ms. Kensington-Cross began, “I knew it the day I planned to order their personalized bento boxes. How could I? How could I tell that woman taking my order that I had a Misty and a Tucker?”

When asked what new names she had chosen for her children, Ms. Kensington-Cross visibly brightened. “Oh, this was such a big decision. One we couldn’t take lightly. After much deliberation we decided on Imogen Esme and Huxley Dashiell. This was a very difficult decision as we really felt the names needed a ‘z’ in them, but felt the z sound in Esme and the ‘x’ in Huxley made up for it.”

Ms, Kensington-Cross went on to ask the clerk how to correctly pronounce ‘Imogen’.

When her husband, Francis Henry Kensington-Cross, formerly Dwayne Lee Jenkins, was asked about changing his children’s names he responded, “You know, whatever Candy wants. She’s a psycho hosebeast when she doesn’t get her way.”

Ms. Kensington-Cross responded by throwing a can of Mountain Dew at her husband’s head. “It’s Gwendolyn. GWENDOLYN!”

Social services were called while Ms. Kensington-Cross waited for a response from the clerk she approached about having her children’s names changed. However, the clerk did make it clear that she was calling social services because her friend Rachel worked there and she had a “fucked up story” to tell her.

Misty and Tucker Jenkins-Kensington-Cross both agreed to the new names in exchange for permission to get tattoos. Ms. Kensington-Cross promised they could get tattoos as long as they were discreet. “I mean, who didn’t get their first tattoo before junior high? It’s an important rite of passage.”

Ms. Kensington-Cross later became agitated at the time it was taking for the clerk to give her the forms to change her children’s names. “They have a self-actualizing pottery class in less than an hour and then I am going to the spa to have my chakras shampooed.”

The clerk explained to Ms. Kensington-Cross that, once again, the only thing she could do for her was renew her driver’s license and that she would have to go to the courthouse for a name change.

About Michelle Poston Combs

Michelle Poston Combs can be found at her blog Rubber Shoes In Hell. Her work can also be found on The Huffington Post, Better After 50, The Mid and Scary Mommy. She had an essay in Jen Mann’s latest anthology, I Still Just Want To Pee Alone. She was also in the 2015 Indianapolis cast of Listen To Your Mother.

Atheist Family Hiding Behind Facade of Normalcy

Hattiesburg resident Rosalie Blackburn reports that the family of avowed atheists next door are blithely continuing with their lives, seemingly unaware of the fiery torment they are destined to experience when Christ returns to rule on Earth.

“It’s mind-boggling,” says Blackburn, who tracks the family’s daily activities through her kitchen window. “They go to work every day. They come home and play with their children in the backyard. Yesterday, they were reading the younger boy books and coloring with chalk on the driveway.”

According to Blackburn, who has lived next to the evil, church-spurning family for two years, their apparent happy and healthy family life “defies logic.” She is “at a loss” to explain how the family carries on without espousing superstition and adhering to dogma.

Blackburn adds that although her neighbors appear to be kind and generous, she is confident that with continued vigilance she will uncover sufficient evidence to prove their existence completely amoral and ultimately meaningless.