Mom Caught Dealing on School Grounds

Tuesday afternoon in Millburn, New Jersey, 42-year-old Margot Schaeffer was caught dealing “unsavory” items outside the Glenwood Elementary School playground. She was found to be selling teeth to young children who were reportedly going to put them under their pillows in an effort to defraud the Tooth Fairy.  We were unable to reach the Tooth Fairy for comment.

“I just wanted some extra cash!” Margot defended–against the advice of her lawyer. “Word in the mom’s group was that they were putting out $10 and $20 for teeth these days! TWENTY DOLLARS!!

I put fifty cents under my kids pillows! Anyway, I figured if those little shits were getting $20 a pop, they’d easily cough up $5 or more for one.”

Her plan was to sell enough teeth to get herself a nice pedicure.

“I was looking through my sock drawer when I came across a bunch of old teeth that my older boy lost a year or two ago. They were just sitting there in little baggies, doing nothing! What’s so bad about trying to make a few bucks? I ain’t hurting anyone!”

The FBI and the Health Department have been called in on the case since the teeth technically qualify as medical waste. The FBI is still trying to determine whether or not the teeth fall under the statutes that govern the sale of human body parts.  No one from the FBI could be reached for comment.

Mrs. Schaeffer’s illicit actions were discovered when a bidding war broke out between two students over a fresh tooth she collected just that morning from under her younger son’s pillow. Mrs. Schaeffer explained, “I tried to tell them that he has three more loose ones right now but neither of them wanted to wait. I guess it got a little heated.”

A third student reported the activity to the playground aide who–in an unprecedented move–took action and called down to the office to report the matter. The authorities were called and Mrs. Schaeffer was taken into custody immediately. Mr. Schaeffer and the Schaeffer children declined to comment aside from 16-year-old Lindsay Schaeffer’s exclamation of “Gross!” accompanied by a vicious eye roll.

About Melanie Madamba

Melanie Madamba is The NotsoSuperMom: forever nerd, mother of three, and coffee addict. Not to be confused with a Super Mom or anyone else who seems to have it together. She writes to escape the laundry and to pretend someone is listening to her. If you are trying to avoid your laundry, you can kill some time checking her out on Facebook, Pinterest or the Twitter.

Failure to Share Back-To-School Photos Gets Parents Banned from PTA

“I was in so much shock, I had to read it twice,” said Jane McGreeley, 42, of Dayton, Ohio, in response to an angry email she and her husband, Brian McGreeley, 47, received from their local Parent Teachers Association.

The email, sent by Darlene Dawson, president of the Meadow Valley Elementary PTA, called out the McGreeleys’ failure to share back-to-school photos of their two children (names withheld) on Facebook and Instagram.

“Your blatant disregard for your children is evident by your inaction,” Dawson wrote. “We have no choice but to ban you from participating in our Parent Teachers Association until further notice.

For Jane McGreeley, who was in charge of the PTA’s annual brownie sale, this was a tough blow. Mr. McGreeley, who lead the school’s casino night fundraiser was also affected by the news.

A respected visual effects artist, McGreeley is  known to produce elaborate videos to showcase family milestones. His daughter’s birth announcement was screened at Sundance and went on to receive several accolades including an Oscar nomination for best documentary short.

When asked why he and his wife decided not to make a big deal out of their kids’ return to school, McGreeley responded, “I guess we just weren’t feeling it this year.”

The McGreeleys’ decision affected more than just the PTA.

Holly Smith, a neighbor and family friend, was concerned when her Facebook feed was devoid of any back-to-school photos of the McGreeley children.

“I thought maybe they decided to homeschool this year. They are pretty hippyish. They drive a hybrid, after all.”

The McGreeleys attempts to appeal the PTA’s decision have failed thus far. The Meadow Valley PTA is notorious for its strict policies; something former member Cynthia Fern knows all too well.

“One time I brought only vanilla cupcakes to the bake sale, and that was all it took. I now drop my kid off two blocks away out off shame.”

When asked to comment on the PTA’s policies, and the McGreeley case specifically, Dawson said, “We all know that a well-crafted back-to-school photo complete with chalkboard declaring the child’s desire to become a My Little Pony or Spider-Man is essential to ensuring they become productive members of society. We don’t want to work with parents who have so little regard for their kids future.”

Though she is now a social pariah, Mrs. McGreeley sees the positive side of her situation.

“The PTA took up so much of my time. Now, I’m free to pursue my other passions, motocross and extreme couponing.”

About Gail Hoffer-Loibl

Gail Hoffer-Loibl is a mother of two boys and the writer behind Maybe I’ll Shower Today. You can find her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Youngest Person Ever to Appear on Hoarders

This past week a source at TLC leaked information regarding an upcoming episode of their hugely popular show, Hoarders.

The youngest person ever to be featured on the show is a 4 year old from South central Pennsylvania named Valerie Parker. Her mother contacted the show after realizing that Valerie had a serious problem with “letting go.” Whether it be clothes, toys or even empty fruit snack wrappers, little Val throws a fit when it comes to getting rid of things.

“At first we thought it was cute. She liked to collect things,” noted Valerie’s mother. “Then we noticed that her collections were getting quite large and when we felt it was time to pass things on–you know, old baby toys, outgrown clothes–she really threw a fit. I was fine with the Barbies and the Legos, but the snack trash and sippy cups were becoming unacceptable. And the amount of stuffed animals we have. Beanie babies and Webkins…” Mrs. Parker trailed off before breaking down in tears.
Mr. Parker reportedly tried sneaking things into garbage bags one night while Valerie was sleeping. That backfired on him when Valerie woke up the next morning and asked for specific items from the bag such as a ratty old baby blanket that she hadn’t touched in weeks and a “very special” My Little Pony Happy Meal toy from McDonald’s that Mrs. Parker found under the couch that evening. Now fearing the loss of more possessions, the girl hardly sleeps at all and when she does, it’s only on top of a large pile of toys and clothing.
“I guess we’re somewhat to blame,” admits Mrs. Parker. “Christmas, birthday presents, gifts from the Tooth Fairy, trips to Target–including obligatory stops at the Dollar Spot. We really try not to spoil her, but, well, she’s so cute when your’e not trying to take her things away, and she asks so nicely for everything, it’s hard not to buy her things. It’s difficult when you are so good at finding the perfect gifts! Every time she would open a present she would tell us that it was exactly what she always wanted!”
Valerie is the youngest of three children, so many of her toys have been passed down from her older siblings. “She got so many hand-me-downs that we wanted her to have some new things,” Mrs. Parker rationalized. She also shamefully admits that there may have been some incidents of bribing that exacerbated the issue.
Grandparents and aunts and uncles have admittedly contributed to the problem as well. Members of the extended family declined comment fearing a backlash from other children in the family who are actually jealous of Valerie’s massive hoard and a situation that they perceive as “unfair.”
Mrs. Parker has made efforts to explain to Valerie that they are running out of room to keep everything and that she should only keep the things that are special to her. Valerie emphatically insisted that “EVERYTHING IS SPECIAL!”
Mrs. Parker tried to rationalize with, “If everything is special than nothing is special. It’s all the same!”
Valerie retorted, “Yes! It’s all the same and it’s all SPECIAL!”
One of the show’s psychologists explains that this is a phenomenon called Toddler Logic and it is impossible to break. Rational thinking is simply not effective with a child of this age.
TLC is reportedly planning on airing the episode early in 2016. There have been rumors that advertisers are unwilling to buy airtime unless the show airs after the Holiday season, citing concerns of a decine in the rampant consumerism they have come to depend on at that time of year. An anonymous source from a major toy retailer claims that they are worried that other parents will be afraid that this could happen to their child and that they will curb Holiday spending as a result. Our source at TLC would not confirm that information.
As for little Valerie, she is rumored to be in “after-care” therapy since the filming of her episode; as is Mrs. Parker who was removed from the home to be placed in an inpatient recovery facility. She reportedly yelled, “At least we didn’t have a house full of rat shit!” at gawking reporters who have been camped outside her home since the news leak.
It is suspected that both Valerie and her mother will be in therapy for quite some time before they can resume a normal life without so much stuff.

About Melanie Madamba

Melanie Madamba is The NotsoSuperMom: forever nerd, mother of three, and coffee addict. Not to be confused with a Super Mom or anyone else who seems to have it together. She writes to escape the laundry and to pretend someone is listening to her. If you are trying to avoid your laundry, you can kill some time checking her out on Facebook, Pinterest or the Twitter.

Local Woman Supports Toilet Paper Public School Ban

Tireless digestive health campaigner, Jennifer Simmons-Adler, spoke today with reporters regarding her controversial proposal to eliminate toilet paper from public schools in her district.

Ms. Simmons-Adler’s stated goal is “to not deprive the children of toilet paper. Not at all. I want to eliminate toilet paper as a way to better enable them to choose a diet that will eliminate the need for toilet paper.”

Disbelieving reporters pressed Ms. Simmons-Adler for more information about her overall plan to remove toilet paper from public schools.

Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “Any child who doesn’t ‘poop clean’ obviously is in desperate need of a dietitian. I am appalled that parents don’t monitor their children’s poop. No human should ever need toilet paper. Any person who eats the proper amount of fiber from grains and organic fruits and vegetable knows this. Parents who have children who need toilet paper disgust me. If they aren’t going to properly feed their children then they should be prosecuted for neglect. It’s abuse, pure and simple. Parents like that are no better than those parents who allow their children to watch television for more than 30 minutes a week.”

When asked whether or not children not being allowed to wipe their asses would pose a health problem, Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “Having children who consistently have watery or sticky bowel movements is a much bigger health problem. It’s an epidemic and I am astounded that the media hasn’t been covering this issue. Going toilet paper free is not only good for the children, but eliminating the need for toilet paper helps the environment as well. We must save the trees. I understand that people are going to be resistant at first and I’m sure that in the beginning the schools will have to endure the smell of WOA.”

When asked to define WOA, Ms. Simmons-Adler looked uncomfortable and said, “I don’t really like saying the ‘a’ word.” Simmons-Adler stopped a moment and displayed a smug face. She continued by saying, “WOA stands for ‘wide open ass’. WOA is actually a useful tool. WOA will allow school personnel to quickly identify those children in need just by smell. With a proper diet, that will clear up quickly. And people should consider the cost savings benefit. We’ve saved enough money by not paying toilet paper to be able to afford apples and quinoa from the organic grocery store for an entire three weeks.”

After pausing to nibble on celery, Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “I haven’t used a single square of toilet paper in over 10 years. Personally, I’m stunned that they still advertise toilet paper on television. How can they justify banning cigarette ads and still allow ads showing cute little teddy bears selling a product that promotes a lifestyle which is killing our children by the score?”

When queried about her campaign’s progress, Ms. Simmons-Adler frowned and said, “Not as smoothly as I hoped. You know, you see your vision and it’s solid, yet fluid, and then when you try to implement it, then your vision gets foamy and splatters out of control. But I am committed to this cause. I will be number one. Number two is not acceptable.”

Local PTA head Sondra Wellington, when asked her thoughts of Simmons-Adler’s campaign to rid the schools of the toilet paper scourge, said, “Bitch is straight up crazy. She keeps showing up at our meetings and throwing rolls of toilet paper and screaming about clean poop and how we’re all child abusers. We have tried to start a dialogue with her, but quite frankly, it gets nowhere. She’s missing a few Ohs from her Spaghettios if you get what I’m saying.”

About Michelle Poston Combs

Michelle Poston Combs can be found at her blog Rubber Shoes In Hell. Her work can also be found on The Huffington Post, Better After 50, The Mid and Scary Mommy. She had an essay in Jen Mann’s latest anthology, I Still Just Want To Pee Alone. She was also in the 2015 Indianapolis cast of Listen To Your Mother.

Woman Fights To Give Her Kids Richer Sounding Names

Gwendolyn Kensington-Cross, formerly Candy Gail Jenkins, petitioned the court today to have her children’s names legally changed.

Her son, Tucker Wayne, is 11-years-old and says he doesn’t want to change his name. Her daughter, Misty Dawn, age 13, says she is willing to have her name changed but only if she can be called Destiny Alexa.

Ms. Kensington-Cross explained to the court that her husband recently had great success with a business venture and it enabled them to move to a more affluent neighborhood. While she was grateful for the opportunities this opened up for her children, she feared that their names would hold them back.

“I knew something had to be done,” Ms. Kensington-Cross began, “I knew it the day I planned to order their personalized bento boxes. How could I? How could I tell that woman taking my order that I had a Misty and a Tucker?”

When asked what new names she had chosen for her children, Ms. Kensington-Cross visibly brightened. “Oh, this was such a big decision. One we couldn’t take lightly. After much deliberation we decided on Imogen Esme and Huxley Dashiell. This was a very difficult decision as we really felt the names needed a ‘z’ in them, but felt the z sound in Esme and the ‘x’ in Huxley made up for it.”

Ms, Kensington-Cross went on to ask the clerk how to correctly pronounce ‘Imogen’.

When her husband, Francis Henry Kensington-Cross, formerly Dwayne Lee Jenkins, was asked about changing his children’s names he responded, “You know, whatever Candy wants. She’s a psycho hosebeast when she doesn’t get her way.”

Ms. Kensington-Cross responded by throwing a can of Mountain Dew at her husband’s head. “It’s Gwendolyn. GWENDOLYN!”

Social services were called while Ms. Kensington-Cross waited for a response from the clerk she approached about having her children’s names changed. However, the clerk did make it clear that she was calling social services because her friend Rachel worked there and she had a “fucked up story” to tell her.

Misty and Tucker Jenkins-Kensington-Cross both agreed to the new names in exchange for permission to get tattoos. Ms. Kensington-Cross promised they could get tattoos as long as they were discreet. “I mean, who didn’t get their first tattoo before junior high? It’s an important rite of passage.”

Ms. Kensington-Cross later became agitated at the time it was taking for the clerk to give her the forms to change her children’s names. “They have a self-actualizing pottery class in less than an hour and then I am going to the spa to have my chakras shampooed.”

The clerk explained to Ms. Kensington-Cross that, once again, the only thing she could do for her was renew her driver’s license and that she would have to go to the courthouse for a name change.

About Michelle Poston Combs

Michelle Poston Combs can be found at her blog Rubber Shoes In Hell. Her work can also be found on The Huffington Post, Better After 50, The Mid and Scary Mommy. She had an essay in Jen Mann’s latest anthology, I Still Just Want To Pee Alone. She was also in the 2015 Indianapolis cast of Listen To Your Mother.