Failure to Share Back-To-School Photos Gets Parents Banned from PTA

“I was in so much shock, I had to read it twice,” said Jane McGreeley, 42, of Dayton, Ohio, in response to an angry email she and her husband, Brian McGreeley, 47, received from their local Parent Teachers Association.

The email, sent by Darlene Dawson, president of the Meadow Valley Elementary PTA, called out the McGreeleys’ failure to share back-to-school photos of their two children (names withheld) on Facebook and Instagram.

“Your blatant disregard for your children is evident by your inaction,” Dawson wrote. “We have no choice but to ban you from participating in our Parent Teachers Association until further notice.

For Jane McGreeley, who was in charge of the PTA’s annual brownie sale, this was a tough blow. Mr. McGreeley, who lead the school’s casino night fundraiser was also affected by the news.

A respected visual effects artist, McGreeley is  known to produce elaborate videos to showcase family milestones. His daughter’s birth announcement was screened at Sundance and went on to receive several accolades including an Oscar nomination for best documentary short.

When asked why he and his wife decided not to make a big deal out of their kids’ return to school, McGreeley responded, “I guess we just weren’t feeling it this year.”

The McGreeleys’ decision affected more than just the PTA.

Holly Smith, a neighbor and family friend, was concerned when her Facebook feed was devoid of any back-to-school photos of the McGreeley children.

“I thought maybe they decided to homeschool this year. They are pretty hippyish. They drive a hybrid, after all.”

The McGreeleys attempts to appeal the PTA’s decision have failed thus far. The Meadow Valley PTA is notorious for its strict policies; something former member Cynthia Fern knows all too well.

“One time I brought only vanilla cupcakes to the bake sale, and that was all it took. I now drop my kid off two blocks away out off shame.”

When asked to comment on the PTA’s policies, and the McGreeley case specifically, Dawson said, “We all know that a well-crafted back-to-school photo complete with chalkboard declaring the child’s desire to become a My Little Pony or Spider-Man is essential to ensuring they become productive members of society. We don’t want to work with parents who have so little regard for their kids future.”

Though she is now a social pariah, Mrs. McGreeley sees the positive side of her situation.

“The PTA took up so much of my time. Now, I’m free to pursue my other passions, motocross and extreme couponing.”

Local Woman Supports Toilet Paper Public School Ban

Tireless digestive health campaigner, Jennifer Simmons-Adler, spoke today with reporters regarding her controversial proposal to eliminate toilet paper from public schools in her district.

Ms. Simmons-Adler’s stated goal is “to not deprive the children of toilet paper. Not at all. I want to eliminate toilet paper as a way to better enable them to choose a diet that will eliminate the need for toilet paper.”

Disbelieving reporters pressed Ms. Simmons-Adler for more information about her overall plan to remove toilet paper from public schools.

Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “Any child who doesn’t ‘poop clean’ obviously is in desperate need of a dietitian. I am appalled that parents don’t monitor their children’s poop. No human should ever need toilet paper. Any person who eats the proper amount of fiber from grains and organic fruits and vegetable knows this. Parents who have children who need toilet paper disgust me. If they aren’t going to properly feed their children then they should be prosecuted for neglect. It’s abuse, pure and simple. Parents like that are no better than those parents who allow their children to watch television for more than 30 minutes a week.”

When asked whether or not children not being allowed to wipe their asses would pose a health problem, Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “Having children who consistently have watery or sticky bowel movements is a much bigger health problem. It’s an epidemic and I am astounded that the media hasn’t been covering this issue. Going toilet paper free is not only good for the children, but eliminating the need for toilet paper helps the environment as well. We must save the trees. I understand that people are going to be resistant at first and I’m sure that in the beginning the schools will have to endure the smell of WOA.”

When asked to define WOA, Ms. Simmons-Adler looked uncomfortable and said, “I don’t really like saying the ‘a’ word.” Simmons-Adler stopped a moment and displayed a smug face. She continued by saying, “WOA stands for ‘wide open ass’. WOA is actually a useful tool. WOA will allow school personnel to quickly identify those children in need just by smell. With a proper diet, that will clear up quickly. And people should consider the cost savings benefit. We’ve saved enough money by not paying toilet paper to be able to afford apples and quinoa from the organic grocery store for an entire three weeks.”

After pausing to nibble on celery, Ms. Simmons-Adler said, “I haven’t used a single square of toilet paper in over 10 years. Personally, I’m stunned that they still advertise toilet paper on television. How can they justify banning cigarette ads and still allow ads showing cute little teddy bears selling a product that promotes a lifestyle which is killing our children by the score?”

When queried about her campaign’s progress, Ms. Simmons-Adler frowned and said, “Not as smoothly as I hoped. You know, you see your vision and it’s solid, yet fluid, and then when you try to implement it, then your vision gets foamy and splatters out of control. But I am committed to this cause. I will be number one. Number two is not acceptable.”

Local PTA head Sondra Wellington, when asked her thoughts of Simmons-Adler’s campaign to rid the schools of the toilet paper scourge, said, “Bitch is straight up crazy. She keeps showing up at our meetings and throwing rolls of toilet paper and screaming about clean poop and how we’re all child abusers. We have tried to start a dialogue with her, but quite frankly, it gets nowhere. She’s missing a few Ohs from her Spaghettios if you get what I’m saying.”

Woman Fights To Give Her Kids Richer Sounding Names

Gwendolyn Kensington-Cross, formerly Candy Gail Jenkins, petitioned the court today to have her children’s names legally changed.

Her son, Tucker Wayne, is 11-years-old and says he doesn’t want to change his name. Her daughter, Misty Dawn, age 13, says she is willing to have her name changed but only if she can be called Destiny Alexa.

Ms. Kensington-Cross explained to the court that her husband recently had great success with a business venture and it enabled them to move to a more affluent neighborhood. While she was grateful for the opportunities this opened up for her children, she feared that their names would hold them back.

“I knew something had to be done,” Ms. Kensington-Cross began, “I knew it the day I planned to order their personalized bento boxes. How could I? How could I tell that woman taking my order that I had a Misty and a Tucker?”

When asked what new names she had chosen for her children, Ms. Kensington-Cross visibly brightened. “Oh, this was such a big decision. One we couldn’t take lightly. After much deliberation we decided on Imogen Esme and Huxley Dashiell. This was a very difficult decision as we really felt the names needed a ‘z’ in them, but felt the z sound in Esme and the ‘x’ in Huxley made up for it.”

Ms, Kensington-Cross went on to ask the clerk how to correctly pronounce ‘Imogen’.

When her husband, Francis Henry Kensington-Cross, formerly Dwayne Lee Jenkins, was asked about changing his children’s names he responded, “You know, whatever Candy wants. She’s a psycho hosebeast when she doesn’t get her way.”

Ms. Kensington-Cross responded by throwing a can of Mountain Dew at her husband’s head. “It’s Gwendolyn. GWENDOLYN!”

Social services were called while Ms. Kensington-Cross waited for a response from the clerk she approached about having her children’s names changed. However, the clerk did make it clear that she was calling social services because her friend Rachel worked there and she had a “fucked up story” to tell her.

Misty and Tucker Jenkins-Kensington-Cross both agreed to the new names in exchange for permission to get tattoos. Ms. Kensington-Cross promised they could get tattoos as long as they were discreet. “I mean, who didn’t get their first tattoo before junior high? It’s an important rite of passage.”

Ms. Kensington-Cross later became agitated at the time it was taking for the clerk to give her the forms to change her children’s names. “They have a self-actualizing pottery class in less than an hour and then I am going to the spa to have my chakras shampooed.”

The clerk explained to Ms. Kensington-Cross that, once again, the only thing she could do for her was renew her driver’s license and that she would have to go to the courthouse for a name change.